Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I Hate Your Face, Facebook. HAPPY FRIDAY!!

I'll keep this one short, because I'm lazy.

If you happen to be alive today and I'm sure you are, (unless you're dead, then high five for reading my shit in the afterlife) chances are; you have a Facebook page, and at this point in time, you also might be as fed up and annoyed as I am by the countless "IT'S FRIDAY!" posts that you see every Friday morning notifying you that it is in fact, Friday.
It's not just the Friday posts, though, oh no, these same people must announce every day of the week, each week, with pretty much the same comment they used last week. Like "fucking Mondays" and "Hump day" and "THIRSTY THURSDAY!".
(Don't get me started on the "have a good/blessed day" people or the penis heads who speak to Facebook as if it were an actual person (GOOD MORNING FACEBOOK!!!).
I guess we should appreciate the robotic dickheads who post these messages, because if it weren't for them, we would never know what day it is, what the weather is like outside (thanks for the snow photos too, assholes) or what current song is popular , even though it is constantly being circulated all over the internet, TV and radio.

Yes, according to your Facebook pals, you had no fucking clue today was Tuesday, stupid.

But they break the news first.
I can't count how many times I woke up and had no clue what the fuck was going on outside or what day it was until I logged onto Facebook and read their posts, which may or may not have saved my life.
It's a lifesaver.
I'm wearing snow boots because my friend Ron said it was snowing, I'm preparing for the weekend because Calvin informed me that it's Friday and I know who Kanye West is because at least 1,700 people posted his newest video.
So to the drones, I'd like to say "Thank you" for being informative, thank you for being obvious and stating the obvious and for being our human calendars and flesh reminders.
THANK YOU and God bless you.

Make sure it's set to "ON" for this.

Nah, fuck that, fuck you, fuck your mother, fuck your face and eyeballs with a gargantuan sized cock and fuck your sister.
I'm tired of the same shit, get new material, for fucking Christ's sake.

HAHAHA, blasphemy tickles!

Sure it's Friday, but be original, don't just say "it's Friday", you're now just like everyone else who say's it, say "going to get laid tonight, GANG RAPE FRIDAY NIGHT!" or say "Hope I don't end up in an alleyway with Vaseline in my butt crack again tonight, FRIDAY”, whatever, just fucking be clever, or original, or shut the fuck up if you can't do either.
No one will miss you.

Even that tree hates you, dick.

We know what's going on, you fucking twat bot, we don't need reminders, and if we do, that's why we have Cell phones, because they don't just help us add small numbers or tell people where we are in the city every twenty minutes via foursquare (which is something we all fucking love by the way), they also alarm us for reminders (if we get around to setting it and shit).
I'm actually hoping Facebook causes more home robberies because you deserve it if you're telling me where you are constantly for no apparent fucking reason.

Tom Just checked into "Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow Church". "Totally stealing this guy's shit, Facebook".

So with that said, I am renaming the days of the week and/or creating a new day of the week slogan, or whatever the fuck it's called, I don't give a shit, just mix it up a little,  before I stab my eyes out with a jagged dildo.

So from now on, the list below will be how the days of the week will go, at least as far as I'm concerned or until someone creative creates a new set, since it's vastly different from the monotonous shit I see daily.
In order to be innovative, we're going to keep it hood because it's clever, and edgy, and catches on faster and when people of color do something cool, White people think it's amazing, so there's that.
I'm trying to start a trend without singing or dancing here, so fucking work with me in order to save America.

Monday will be - Mug a Nigga Monday
Tuesday will be - Take yo shit Tuesday
Wednesday will be - We ballin Wednesday
Thursday will be - Thugged out Thursday
Friday will be - Forty ounce Friday.
Saturday will be - Suck a dude's dick Saturday
Sunday will be - Steal Shit Sunday

And there you have it.
You now have something new to say, beginning tomorrow.
Sure, I'm being unreasonable or overly bitchy for something so minute, but I got nothing better to do right now, so eat my tits.

Eat them, deep fried. They also have nice DSB's, wink wink. Use your imagination....

This message was brought to you by people who think you should be posting titty pictures instead of "HAVE A GOOD DAY!".

Friday, March 25, 2011

How to Feel Racially Superior and Bad Ass (Without Anyone Else Knowing).

I don't condone racism, in any way, you've all read that thingy I posted way back when, but I figured this can be your little secret. Our little secret, rather.
Crafty, huh?
Let's be completely honest here, whether you admit it or not, you feel that your kind is superior to other kinds because you hate the idea of being inferior, so fuck that, you're superior, TO ALL, regardless of what color, gender, race, creed, etc, you/they are (unless you're a Native American, then you're fucked).
If you don't feel this way, even in the slightest, then you're completely devoid of any racism and should ascend to Sainthood, even though you love anal sex and jerking off to your High School yearbook, but God will overlook that because you love everyone, you sick fuck.
Let us also state the fact that you are most likely a gigantic pussy who would never admit to having these semi-racist thoughts in public, especially in a group of diverse people, lest you get your ass whooped.
I'm not assuming you're a pussy and you may not be, but this topic, given the subject matter within, you would not say any of this shit in said group if you had a mouth full of shit, let's keep it real.

So, with that said, your buddy Bronx here is going to offer you some secret insider tips on how to display racial superiority over any and everyone, without getting your bigot ass kicked in.
In fact, my tips are so solid, that you'll be like, a motherfucking racist ninja!
You could probably form a racist secret society, but that's what congress is for, so skip that, and continue reading.
Note that if you get caught being racist, it's because you opened your god damned mouth, and deserve to get your ass pulverized.
You have to follow the steps and techniques I provide down to the motherfucking letter, otherwise, you're fucked and I'll deny it if anyone asks if I had any involvement in this shit and agree that you're a crazy racist, cross burning fuck head who loves hitting women and raping pillow animals.

You'd hit it.

I'm neither supporting nor defending racism, because I hate that shit, but at least you can feel good about yourself at the expense of others, you know, the American way.
Besides, this is the best way of figuring out ways to high five yourself and believe in your mind that you are THE SHIT.

Step 1 - Let successful White people do all the work in a revolving door.
This White guy makes more money than you, he drives a better car than you, his wife is hotter than your wife, his kids are smarter than your kids, he just beats your loser ass silly in just about everything in life.
There has to be a way to get this man to work for you without using an Infinity Gauntlet, right?
If you work in a city, particularly an office building, there's a pretty good chance that you enter and exit this building via revolving doors.
If you want to perform a massive attack of racial superiority here over the "MAN", I'm talking about one of the highest forms of expressing yourself, wait for a successful White man to prepare to exit the building, or two, hell, three , shit 2 or more and you're a regular fucking mental Malcolm X!
As they proceed to enter the revolving door on their way in or out,  quietly enter behind them as the doors begin to rotate, but DO NOT push on the doors in any way, let them do all the fucking pushing for you until you've made it completely out without lifting a finger.
As they push with all their White might, say to yourself "that's right, push this fucking door for me, White man, Push it until I'm clear, you motherfucker, you".
Not only did you just make the MAN work for you, but he had no clue he was your bitch the whole time!
Celebrate by going to Starbucks and doing the same shit to the Barista.

FASTER, you White bitch!!

Step 2 - Own the sidewalk.
This pretty much only applies to White people (or gigantic vaginas).
Sure, you guys probably feel socially and racially superior anyway, but there are still some areas where you guys feel inadequate when compared to say, Black guys.
Particularly in the pants and in the coolness genes.
Yes, it's all stereotypes, I know some of you white guys have big wangs and not all Black guys are tripods, but that doesn't stop you from crossing the street to the opposite side whenever one or more Black people are walking on your side of the sidewalk towards you.
The cool factor, I can't help with, you guys have to really work on being cool while it's just so natural for Black guys, sorry, it's fucking true.
Even lame Black guys are cooler by default, it's pretty fucked.

So here you are, walking down the block, when all of a sudden, this Black dude is walking towards you and in your mind, he's not just any Black dude, he's as big as Lawrence Taylor and as scary as Mike Tyson.
HOLY SHIT, Cross over, right? CROSS, He's getting closer!! He might steal your wallet or pound your vanilla face in or dunk you in a basketball hoop or challenge you to a freestyle rap battle. CROSS NOW!!

Fuck that, don't cross shit. It's potentially dangerous, you could get hit by a car and die or there could be like, four Black guys on the other side.
It also costs you valuable time, like, two whole minutes, which is a major loss to the White community.
You're going to march your lame, little dicked white ass straight through that block and keep your pale head high.
When you pass that Black guy, even though he really looks like this….

He can still kick your white ass.

...High five the fuck out of yourself.

Not only did you display racial dominance over that guy by not getting off of that piece of land like your ancestors did with Native Americans, you stuck it to him and showed him that you will not bend to his will, you will not give in to fear, because YOU are superior, you are better and you handed him his Black ass, and the best part is he doesn't even know it!
Be a real bad ass and think to yourself "Who's the pussy now??" as he walks away.
Use the word "Nigger" in your mind as freely as you'd like too, you fucking tough son of a bitch.

Step 3 - Make those delivery guys work their asses off.
If you live in New York City, there is a one hundred percent chance that the delivery guy is either Mexican or Chinese, so it's not as dominating when it's a third worlder because you're kind of winning there already, but if it's anywhere else, chances are it might be a young White guy delivering your shit, in which case, you're going to fucking score big for this.
I find that it's also most effective when you order the heaviest shit you can get, like a vase or two of flowers filled with water or forty bottles of soda or a few hundred 1+ pound steaks, or all of those at the same time.
You might argue that they end up coming to deliver these items using some type of mobile cart, but fuck that, do it, those carts usually have some really fucked up wheels anyway and chances are, it'll break on the way over causing him to have to drag the cart AND the heavy ass goods at the same time.

When they finally get to wherever you are, preferably a huge office building, have them drag the load to one location, only to bitch about how it needs to go somewhere else for some group of people who have moved to another location, he'll sigh in anguish but still smile as you smile over having the slave boy carry your shit.

Keep smiling; I'm not tipping you SHIT.

This can potentially go on for as long as you'd like, he has to make the delivery and his bill has to be signed and lord knows you do not have authorization to sign the bill so he has to carry that shit upstairs to the boss’s office to have that done.
Just keep telling yourself "this way, stupid, White (or colored) slave" and feel the surge of racial dominance course through your body, it feels like victory which feels like eating a handful of Wheat Thins.

Racial superiority - brought to you by Nabisco.

This guy will have no clue that he's been played and that the game being played was you being fucking racially superior to his ass in every way, what a pussy, right?
You just brought back slavery, in this guy's FACE.

See, there are countless other ways to triumph over other races and be dominant in the fight for mental domination, it all depends on how bad ass you are on the inside.

We know, you're about THIS bad ass on the inside.

I just can't list them all because I use them daily and don't want people to get wise on me.
Telephone tough guys are a thing of the past, all hail the age of the secret racists!

You are totally unlike these assholes, though.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Life From A Feline Point Of View (or Cats Are Assholes).

Although this post is about cats, I am not technically Caucasian, so me writing about cats in any way, shape or form does not make me white or lame, so fuck your mother.

I get a free pass because I kick ass.

I was bored and in the tedium of my day I imagined myself as a cat and thought of all these highly imaginative feline scenarios and situations that the little fuckers get into which you're about to read.

For the most part, my goal is to point out how cats, though cute, are gigantic assholes.

So in my genius thought process, as my cat was being a complete cunt,  I said to myself: "Godly Adonis, what do you think this cat is saying while he is performing this stupid act of cat-ness?”

With that, I began to think of everything that follows.
My mind is light years beyond most humans, so bear with me.

For this piece, I think it's best if I toss myself into the role of a cat, method act, if you will, as a cat, because I've never been a cat before, but I have been a Superhero as well as a brown paper bag-guy like this kid, poor guy:

Kill me.

So at the end of this sentence, the method acting will begin and I will be in the role of a cat, minus the ball licking, because that's how I fucking get down when I go about getting down with acting.


Hi, I'm a cat, I don't give a flying fuck if you're wearing new black pants, I feel like fucking rubbing against your legs, back and forth, 735 times. Regardless of how badly I'm shedding, fuck your face.

Oh was that your bowl of cereal on the table?
Fuck you, I jumped up and took a few swigs of your milk, asshole.
Shouldn't have left it sitting there.

I know its 4 am, but I don't give a shit, I feel like flopping around and running laps around your living room with my feet that make me sound like a fucking small horse.

Feel free to walk by me as I lie down here in the hallway, it's totally safe, nothing's going on.
HAHA, I fucking lied, it's not at all safe and I took a swipe at your ankles!!
You fool!!

I totally missed the litter box and shit on the floor, you might want to pick that up when you get a chance, I'm busy not giving a good God damn.

Are you pooping?
Oh my God, I want to come into the bathroom with you to smell it while you pet me.

I know you don't like me in the bed, but I'm in it, tough titties, deal with it, faggot.

I ate my entire bowl of food, give me some more or I'm knocking over the fucking water.

Shove that laser pen up your ass, I was sleeping.

HOLY SHIT! Shoelaces! I'm going to eat the aglets off so that you can never adjust the laces again.

I happen to enjoy the beach, thank you very much, which is why I kicked litter all over the God damned bathroom floor.

My anal gland is secreting, it smells like a thousand hobo farts mixed with their dick cheese but I'm going to take a nap on your new sweater.
I'm also shedding and just finished kicking my shit around in the litter box.
If you're not busy, go fuck yourself.

Hope you're not allergic, there's dander EVERY FUCKING WHERE.
Mostly from my balls.

Speaking of my balls, if you see me licking them, fuck off or lend a hand.


As you can clearly see from my immersion in the role, cats hate our fucking guts, yet we love the ever loving shit out of them, even though they treat us like abusive spouses.
If your wife or husband did any of this shit above, you'd hit them with brass knuckles on, admit it.
Right in the teeth.
Use these:

Be sure to get a manicure first.

I have a cat; I don't normally act as a cat in my spare time, although I did such a tremendous job above.
I also get attacked every night for no apparent fucking reason at all other than minding my own business, which I can only assume is a crime in the world of cats, because they see fit to attack me as I pass by which is the cat equivalent of mugging AND I’m FROM NEW FUCKING YORK where I haven't even been mugged (yet).
What this means is, if cats were 6 feet tall and had opposable thumbs, they'd take our wallets, kick our asses, fuck our wives and rape us at least four times a week, which is unacceptable behavior for anyone who isn't a maintenance man. (Inside jokes!!).

My idea is this; let's get the drop on these little bastards.
They think that they can run our fucking lives like they're some big shit in prison.
This isn't prison, it's the real motherfucking world and I'm not going to be anyone's bitch, especially someone with three rows of nipples,
That's six god damn tits!

Boner yet?

Follow these steps to fuck their shit up proper:
First, pretend you're asleep, when your cat jumps on the bed, immediately jump up and scream as loud as you can and scare the balls off of it.
If done correctly, he will have shit his fur, and he should look like this:

GAHH! Your dick is smaller than mine.

Props if you manage to somehow get his ear torn off like the cat in this picture, you badass son of a bitch, you.

Second, get a bag of chips.
Anytime you see your cat sleeping, grab the full bag of chips, squeeze it in a way that all the air gets trapped on the opposite end from where you're squeezing.
Hold it tight, and slam on the other end with your open hand, making it pop loudly, sending chips flying everywhere.
This will ruin his nap and will make you feel like a better person in the process.
If he looks like this after you pop the bag….:

This thing isn't going to suck itself, buddy.

….then you probably got him excited by popping the bag too close to his balls, try again, we're not offering rewards here for shitty behavior, you fucking failure.

Who's a schweepy Kitty kitty?? POW!

AWWWW,…..Guess who's in for a surprise?

Lastly, shave off his whiskers.
Contrary to popular belief, cats actually hate their whiskers and would love nothing more than for you to remove them of this burden.
For one, it makes them look stupid.
If you had facial hair like that, you'd kill to have it removed because you'd look stupid too.
Whiskers also have a habit of getting wet when they drink out of the toilet bowl, they hate that too.
Plus, they prick your balls as you lick them and make them itchy and who enjoys that?
So be a pal, shave their whiskers, they'll bang and crash around against the walls in glee!

I say old bean, I have no whiskers and I'm doing bloody fine! Care for some Monopoly?

I'm only giving you this information because I love you, I really do, if I didn't, I'd leave you to your own stupid devices, which would entail you getting your shit bossed around by stupid asshole fucking cats.
Also, my readers are going to get free cat mugs, just go into any department store and pick them up, on me, they look like this:

This Mug + YOU= Coolest guy ever.

Of course you already know, you're welcome.