Wednesday, December 26, 2012

My Greatest Christmas

Must have been 89 or 90, so long ago, I can barely remember exactly, I just remember that it was the greatest video game gift I've ever received, and probably the best Christmas I've ever had.
I must have been 10 or 11 or so.

My aunt Loida possibly saved up and/or probably had to borrow money to buy it for me, because this particular gift, it cost about $100 some odd dollars back then and I figured I'd never get it, since she supported 7 of us and my uncle's drug habit on top of a car that conked out at least once a month.

I had been asking for this gift as hard and as often as I could for two years, a few of my pals had one, and I'd hang with them just to get my fill, to satisfy the urge to have it, but it wasn't enough, I needed my own, but there were bills to pay, and kids to feed, not much extra for videogames.

The only videogames we did get were occasional used NES games from Doorae's mall down on West Farms, where we'd gamble on a random title and risk it and get whatever we thought was cool.
There was no internet back then, only word of mouth, so if a game sucked, you were shit out of luck.
But, if Ralphie from across the hallway had the game, it must have been good.
He was an only child who got all the cool games.

Otherwise, we blew about $20-$30 bucks on a real piece of shit, either way, that was what we got maybe twice a year, if we were lucky.

I'd mostly get my games by borrowing and trading with friends.
One good thing about being a Foster kid, and living in the hood, people tend to move a lot.
When you borrow, and your pal moves, you got a free game, it almost always worked out in your favor, but, there were times when it totally fucked you over, and you lost a game or two.
A gamble, but sometimes, you’ve got to give it your all with the shitty cards you're dealt, none of that know when to fold’em bullshit.

Anyway, Christmas day comes, we used to open gifts at the stroke of midnight on Christmas day, I remember opening a few gifts, mainly action figures, and stocking stuffers from grandma, mostly sweatpants and socks and art supplies and shit.
I'm done unwrapping all the fodder, but my dream gift was nowhere to be seen.

Did they forget?
Did they not care?
What the fuck?

And then my aunt passes me one last package,  MAYBE, just MAYBE, here it is, a rectangular shaped box, with the words “from Santa, to Bryan” written on it (my family always writes that shit on gifts).
Is this it?....
What could be inside?
Is it a trick??

I unwrap this gift hesitant, slowly,  like the first time I took a girl’s bra off, nervous, yes, but with a hard on so stiff, I could jack a tank up to change its tire and not have it bend.

I get the corner off, from there, I kick the shakes, and just let it rip, there it is, oh my's a's a FUCKING GAMEBOY HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!

Out of sheer excitement, I jumped so high, I almost banged my head on the eight foot high ceiling, there's photo evidence of this somewhere, meanwhile, I'm screaming “A GAMEBOY, A GAMEBOY” so loud, everyone in the house is all smiles for me, it's like I got the gift of gifts, and all my cousins and my brother knew that this was my moment, I had finally gotten something I wanted in my shitty life, the fact that I lived in the hood, that I was poor, that I was unfortunate,  none of that mattered, at this moment in time, I was a millionaire, I was Richie Rich, I was golden.
I immediately tossed four double a batteries into the Gameboy and began playing the only game I'd own for a good few months...Tetris.
This was a momentous occasion.
This was the greatest moment ever in my young life.....

Then, the horror came....
A few months later, I STRONGLY believe my uncle would go on to steal my Gameboy from underneath the pile of unmatched socks in my sock drawer and sell my Gameboy on the street for $20 to buy drugs.
I had nothing now, my moment.....was at an end, and life had no purpose.
I wished his death so hard that even the devil thought I was being too harsh.
He had to die....
I suffered for a few months, no Gameboy, just regular console games to hold me over in the meantime.

Luckily, the god of video games heard my calls, and the next Christmas I got the Gameboy core system!

I was back!!!.

Then the horror struck again....and when I slept over my friend’s house, they switched their broken Gameboy for my brand new one...

I still own it to this day, it works, but the screen borders are a bit cut off.
Life sure can suck sometimes.

And this is my little holiday story, the story of my best Christmas throughout my childhood, my video game Christmas story.

Special Thanks to Titi Loida, without you, I would probably be in jail or dead somewhere.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Valentine's Day And Giant Vaginas

This is one of those posts where the title kind of says it all and at this point, all I'd really need to do is post a picture or two of each topic and BAM, done for the day.
But this post is actually about religion and philosophy, I just used a luring tactic to get you here.
No it's not, I'm bullshitting you, it's about Valentine's Day and giant vaginas (giant vaginae?), your mom's two favorite things!

Best movie title EVER.

First of all, fuck Valentine’s Day, fuck Saint Valentine and fuck his mother with a big black dildo.
Now that we’ve gotten those pleasantries out of the way, let me point out that Valentine’s Day falls on a Tuesday this year, which in the interest of big business, I personally feel is fucking retarded given that it’s a made up Holiday specifically created to generate revenue for those types of stores that overprice their holiday bullshit like Hallmark and any drug or convenience store that sells stupid ass special occasion cards.
You can SOMEWHAT appreciate the holiday if you live in some of the bigger cities, where it only benefits the Mexican peddlers selling flowers and shitty teddy bears on the streets, and you are a Mexican flower and shitty teddy bear seller, then it’s a rocking good day.
Those guys are cool, I guess, but fuck them too, for the sake of hating Valentine’s Day entirely.

Fuck you and your meager earnings!!!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some cheapskate or disgruntled and bitter dude who got shafted every Valentine’s Day (yes I am), I just hate forced shit.
I can’t stand doing things just because you are obligated to do so or because everyone else is doing it, fuck that noise, and nothing is more forced and obligatory than Valentine’s Day, well, besides Christmas, but if it weren’t for Christmas, I’d have never gotten shit EVER, so fuck Christmas just a little less, but fuck it nonetheless, as well.

Think about it.
You obligatorily go out on Valentine’s, then what?
Every restaurant you go to is overcrowded and has long wait times for a table.
Movie theaters are jam packed, that means over three times as many black people talking during the film!
Any romantic idea you have in mind is being done by every other fucking human alive at the same time, or they’ve jacked the prices so high that you probably have to suck a dick or two in order to afford it.
Beautiful flower arrangement? Start sucking.
Horse and carriage ride? Start sucking.

The horse, that is, not the jockey.

Fuck that shit, wait until the fifteenth and buy something on sale!
Take your partner out that following weekend with zero holiday bullshit to deal with!
It’s amazing how life changing this whole scenario could be if you’d listen to me.

You changed my life…oh my Gooooooood.

Don’t listen to me though, otherwise your girlfriend will dump you, your wife might fuck your neighbor and your boyfriend is going to cut himself across the chest if you decide to skip this day, so don’t fuck around, go out there and get some God damned candy hearts and roses and pick up some anal lube or you’re going to be in deep shit (or not, wink wink).


This is the part where I cleverly segue into a discussion about giant vaginas but have no clue how anyone can cleverly do such a thing.

Unlike men, who cannot wait for the next moment to boast about how big their (usually little) piece is, how come women don't brag about having gigantic vaginas?
Is it not a good thing to have a colossal cooch?
I'm not talking about an "I can fit three dicks in me" vagina; I mean a vagina that can literally engulf a toddler, sucking him back up the way he came like a giant moist vacuum.
A vagina that can hide a beach ball, or shoot out coconuts like some weird cannon.
Is it frowned upon to have a stupendous snatch?

 I’m so touching myself right now.

What has society done to the big pussied woman to force them to go into hiding?
There's no niche porn category for this shit either (not that I've checked), it's like huge vags don't count, like they don't matter at all.
The world has driven all mammoth muffs into some incognito state or reclusive form of living.
I bet there’s an island somewhere in the Pacific where women all over are hiding away from the rest of the world while living ridicule free in a society acceptant of monumental meat curtains.

Skull Island? Also on this island, giant dicks that can fit in them.  

Pornographic movies are reliant upon selling their films with bolded taglines and titles advertising big body parts, BIG COCKS, HUGE TITS, GIANT ASSES, but never, ever; IMMENSE VAGINOSAURS.

They do exist!

Do you want to know why?
Because the amount of money these films would generate is too astronomical for any accountant to manage.
It could potentially crash the computer systems of every bank.
The lucrative nature of these film types would be outrageous.
Money would literally rain from the heavens!


Now that I think about it, now that I’ve sat here, putting the scientific formulas and mathematics together…Do you know what would make Valentine’s Day simply phenomenal?
That’s right, kids….

Fuck yes. I’m so good at problem solving.