Saturday, February 11, 2012

Valentine's Day And Giant Vaginas

This is one of those posts where the title kind of says it all and at this point, all I'd really need to do is post a picture or two of each topic and BAM, done for the day.
But this post is actually about religion and philosophy, I just used a luring tactic to get you here.
No it's not, I'm bullshitting you, it's about Valentine's Day and giant vaginas (giant vaginae?), your mom's two favorite things!

Best movie title EVER.

First of all, fuck Valentine’s Day, fuck Saint Valentine and fuck his mother with a big black dildo.
Now that we’ve gotten those pleasantries out of the way, let me point out that Valentine’s Day falls on a Tuesday this year, which in the interest of big business, I personally feel is fucking retarded given that it’s a made up Holiday specifically created to generate revenue for those types of stores that overprice their holiday bullshit like Hallmark and any drug or convenience store that sells stupid ass special occasion cards.
You can SOMEWHAT appreciate the holiday if you live in some of the bigger cities, where it only benefits the Mexican peddlers selling flowers and shitty teddy bears on the streets, and you are a Mexican flower and shitty teddy bear seller, then it’s a rocking good day.
Those guys are cool, I guess, but fuck them too, for the sake of hating Valentine’s Day entirely.

Fuck you and your meager earnings!!!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some cheapskate or disgruntled and bitter dude who got shafted every Valentine’s Day (yes I am), I just hate forced shit.
I can’t stand doing things just because you are obligated to do so or because everyone else is doing it, fuck that noise, and nothing is more forced and obligatory than Valentine’s Day, well, besides Christmas, but if it weren’t for Christmas, I’d have never gotten shit EVER, so fuck Christmas just a little less, but fuck it nonetheless, as well.

Think about it.
You obligatorily go out on Valentine’s, then what?
Every restaurant you go to is overcrowded and has long wait times for a table.
Movie theaters are jam packed, that means over three times as many black people talking during the film!
Any romantic idea you have in mind is being done by every other fucking human alive at the same time, or they’ve jacked the prices so high that you probably have to suck a dick or two in order to afford it.
Beautiful flower arrangement? Start sucking.
Horse and carriage ride? Start sucking.

The horse, that is, not the jockey.

Fuck that shit, wait until the fifteenth and buy something on sale!
Take your partner out that following weekend with zero holiday bullshit to deal with!
It’s amazing how life changing this whole scenario could be if you’d listen to me.

You changed my life…oh my Gooooooood.

Don’t listen to me though, otherwise your girlfriend will dump you, your wife might fuck your neighbor and your boyfriend is going to cut himself across the chest if you decide to skip this day, so don’t fuck around, go out there and get some God damned candy hearts and roses and pick up some anal lube or you’re going to be in deep shit (or not, wink wink).


This is the part where I cleverly segue into a discussion about giant vaginas but have no clue how anyone can cleverly do such a thing.

Unlike men, who cannot wait for the next moment to boast about how big their (usually little) piece is, how come women don't brag about having gigantic vaginas?
Is it not a good thing to have a colossal cooch?
I'm not talking about an "I can fit three dicks in me" vagina; I mean a vagina that can literally engulf a toddler, sucking him back up the way he came like a giant moist vacuum.
A vagina that can hide a beach ball, or shoot out coconuts like some weird cannon.
Is it frowned upon to have a stupendous snatch?

 I’m so touching myself right now.

What has society done to the big pussied woman to force them to go into hiding?
There's no niche porn category for this shit either (not that I've checked), it's like huge vags don't count, like they don't matter at all.
The world has driven all mammoth muffs into some incognito state or reclusive form of living.
I bet there’s an island somewhere in the Pacific where women all over are hiding away from the rest of the world while living ridicule free in a society acceptant of monumental meat curtains.

Skull Island? Also on this island, giant dicks that can fit in them.  

Pornographic movies are reliant upon selling their films with bolded taglines and titles advertising big body parts, BIG COCKS, HUGE TITS, GIANT ASSES, but never, ever; IMMENSE VAGINOSAURS.

They do exist!

Do you want to know why?
Because the amount of money these films would generate is too astronomical for any accountant to manage.
It could potentially crash the computer systems of every bank.
The lucrative nature of these film types would be outrageous.
Money would literally rain from the heavens!


Now that I think about it, now that I’ve sat here, putting the scientific formulas and mathematics together…Do you know what would make Valentine’s Day simply phenomenal?
That’s right, kids….

Fuck yes. I’m so good at problem solving.