Thursday, January 16, 2014

The Ending is Always a Lie or Big - Everyone's Favorite Crime Drama

When you think back to movies you’ve watched over the years,  it's (probably) not very common for you to think about the alternate side of the whole story or the story from someone else's point of view or even the ramifications of the actions of the main characters. 
Once they end, they end and you don't really give two shits about anything else other than the successful outcome of the main guy.
Did they set out to achieve their ultimate goal? Yes? Fuck yeah, let's go get cinnamon buns at Ikea. 

Spoilers: You're going to die.

What sparked this whole idea was the movie Big, with Tom Hanks. I’ll get into that in a moment but first I’d like to go over a more recent movie I watched, The Life of Pi. 
You’ve probably seen it, or at least know what it’s about. 
In short, it’s the story of some dude named Pi who gets stranded on a boat with a tiger named Richard Parker and tries to survive with little to no food or water, keeping himself and Richard Parker alive while trying to find land or some place that isn’t water. 
(It’s like Waterworld with Indians and tigers, but doesn’t suck, also no guns or pirate dudes, or Kevin Costner. It’s probably not at all like Waterworld, but you should watch it anyway.)
Why he doesn’t just bludgeon and eat Richard Parker is beyond me, but whatever, it’s supposed to be a tale of the human spirit, not about how delicious tiger meat is. 
Tiger meat has to be fucking fantastic, they are an endangered species after all and I can guarantee it’s not because they’re stupid, this fucking tiger swims in the movie. SWIMS. If I wet my cat, he fucking loses his shit and this tiger swims in the ocean, holy shit. 
I think Richard Parker even rolls a fat joint with the kid halfway through the move while reciting his favorite Wu Tang Clan lyrics, it was nuts. 

Dude, is it just me or is there a dead fucking zebra on this boat?

But yeah, tiger meat is probably tits, my man. THE TITS.

So anyway, spoiler alert, fuck your mother, the kid finds land at the end and gets rescued, I want to say it was in Mexico,  all while Richard Parker just bails the boat and runs towards some nearby woods.
The kid is safe, lives to tell his tale, somewhat happy ending, I guess, I mean, his family is still dead, but hooray.

Family's dead, YOLO.

At this point, I feel that Richard Parker’s current status is the real story here. 
Here you have Pi being rescued and dragged off to work tech support at some Mexican phone company, presumably, but no one mentions that there’s now a Bengal tiger roaming the Mexican wilderness. This is BAD news. Anyone who knows how ecosystems work knows that this tiger is going to fuck shit up so bad. He's going to completely destroy the local wildlife, (what fucking animal over in Mexico can possibly fuck with a tiger?) possibly maim and/or kill many locals, and piss all over everything in the woods causing some serious ecological damage on a pretty big scale.
Hunters can’t hunt because he’d fuck them up, no one can gather wood because he’d fuck them up and as a result, shit’s going to go sour. People will die or at the very least, they’re going to send out a squad of gunmen to shoot the big orange balls off of Richard Parker. 
So either way you cut it, the ending of The Life of Pi is just a really fucked up situation for all, particularly for Richard Parker and all of whatever part of Mexico is being decimated by his rampage of tiger piss.

Now to get to the point of this, (FINALLY! Fuck you.) I give you the movie Big.
Everyone loves Big.  Ask anyone who happened to be a kid during the 80’s and they’ll have it in their top whatever list of favorite things to numerically list and call favorite. It’s always mentioned, it’s a classic film. 
Simple story too, kid hates being a kid, makes a wish at a magical wish machine, becomes Tom Hanks, gets a dream job, gets a pimp ass balling fucking apartment in Manhattan and has sex with a below average looking middle aged white woman while playing with toys. It’s the American dream. 

Now if you stop to think about it, the kid is living it up, it’s an epic adventure for him, however, from his mom’s perspective, the movie Big is a nightmarish crime drama.
This kid is jumping on trampolines and getting his dick sucked by Billy while his mom sits at home assuming her son was kidnapped and is being tortured by the very man she saw in her house at the beginning of the movie.
Every moment is horror for her, not knowing if her son is some sex slave to Forrest Gump or being fed spoonfuls of human shit or getting punched in the dick repeatedly by a boxing glove on a pendulum or any number of terrible things that kidnappers do.

To make matters worse, he calls her during the film, sings “Memories”, and goes along with the whole kidnapping bit. 
She’s probably a complete fucking wreck at home, but they don’t really focus on that, we’re just given the parts of the story where everything is innocent fun while she’s probably crying into her pillow for hours every night with zero leads from the police.
Even when it ends, it couldn’t possibly lead to a happy ending. She gets her son back, obviously after the spell wears off and he shows up in a grown man’s suit.
Then what?
There will be years of therapy for all.
So many medical bills. They'll be buried in debt.
Plus, no matter what he says, she’s going to believe what she assumes to be the worst possible scenario and think he was threatened to say otherwise. 
She doesn’t know if that man will come back one day and snatch the kid all over again then drag him to his rape basement of fucky fuck.
The police will have a cold case file up their asses forever, since this “kidnapping” will never be solved and the mom will never rest easy knowing he’s out there and potentially waiting to strike again.

In this photo: Not Tom Hanks, possibly a rapist. 

This movie is quite possibly the most horrifying movie of all time from a mother’s perspective, yet we all love it as a timeless tale of childhood innocence in an adult world.
God damn, we’re so stupid. 

All this while Zoltar has that smug fucking look on his stupid face.

Conversely, Big is a fantastic title for a pornographic film. 

If anyone is wondering, no, I don’t use drugs or eat tiger meat because they don't sell it at BJ's.
Thanks for reading.