Thursday, August 4, 2011

I Will Steal Your Fucking Bike, Spider-man (Super Spectacular Hetero Guest post by Kid Ish)

Got a special post today, from a guest, my heterosexual life mate, Kid Ish.
Unlike me, he's not a complete comic book racist, so read on about the Spigger Spidey.

So the other day, Marvel showed some pictures of Miles Morales, the new Spider-man, to USA Today, the paradigm of virtuous fucking reporting every goddamn day to Denny's patrons. It's totally the most reliable place to connect with your typical, completely racist, fascist, and closed-minded American: anyone living in the middle of the country.
 He looks pretty gay right here, but Marvel assures us: he's just a minority, not an asshole sodomizer. 

So goddamn right, everyone and their mother is online and offline talking about how Marvel is giving white jobs to minorities, those fucking bastards. Affirmative action in our white ego masturbatory fantasies?

Fuck no! We won't stand for it! Even though this looks pretty cool...



Except we totally will stand for it, because we're fucking godless heathens who like to suck each other's e-dicks. I have no idea what this has to do with anything, I think I just really wanted to connect with the readers of this blog.

You know, all totally buttfucking queer.

Anyway. Back to business: the new Spider-man is half black, half Hispanic. Marvel wants me to say half African American, half Hispanic. Since that makes absolute fucking sense, I'm going to call him half black, since on his mother's side nobody fucking cares about Africa, they have a really gay Batman. 

Batwing, the gayest idea since stealing people from their homes for slavery purposes and not sex purposes pfft.

So fuck that place. Right?

Bronx is Puerto Rican you know. Even my computer wants me to correct the spelling of Puerto to like, Roberto, which tells you how important that fucking place is. But his PR-ass is whiter than mine, so you know he's all pissed off that the new Ultimate Spider-man is half not white, like his albino ass.

Where am I going with this?

Fuck you, I like this Miles Morales kid. He totally wouldn't steal my bike.


Bronx's gripe: (This is me, writing on my shit, but on my guest's shit,  because I'm all up in his shit) .
(See yesterday's blog post). 
The only issue I have with a Spigger Spidey is that it seems purposely done to just generate headlines and/or controversy.
I mean, look at his mix, look at his name.
You take a common, yet somewhat sophisticated Black name and a common Hispanic last name and BAM, Obligatory ethnic mashup.
I'm surprised they didn't get even more PC and put him in a wheelchair, or make him gay or have him shoot rays of sunshine from his eyes that brought our soldiers home.
Whatever, I'm just a very hardcore Spidey fan, forgive my skepticism, forgive my rant, proceed.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

The Least Homoerotic Way Of Professing Your Love To Another Man. (I Swear)

I was talking to a really good male friend of mine recently and it got me thinking.
I love this guy.
He's like a brother to me, family.

We bullshit all day via email, we call each other up every now and then just to shoot the shit, we give advice to one another and we have so much in common that it's borderline out-fucking-rageous.
We live a great distance apart, but when we do see each other, we hug like we just returned safely from war, it's one of those big, bromantic hugs that makes a thunderous clap as we embrace each other in our nooks of manliness and shakes the very Heavens and also makes the Gods themselves envious at the level of affection two mere mortals can display.
People gather around us as we send rifts through the universe that make other guys love other guys in the most heterosexual of ways, but also in the kind of way that makes them toss aside all inhibitions, causing them to hug one another.
Men everywhere feel the love that is emitted by the shockwaves from our back pats, tears and hugs become abundant amongst men, it's just what happens, I'm not even making this up.
Ok, maybe I am, fuck it.


In all seriousness though, sometimes you want to solidify a bromance in a stronger way, but it seems that hugs and handshakes are the very limits of where men can go with their physical affections.
This is mainly in part due to a very homophobic society where most guys are afraid to even accidentally brush up against another man, let alone hug one, and if you do find one that hugs, it's usually the "I'm not confident in my sexuality" hugger, where they shake one hand and reach around the back, sort of "half-hugging" with the other arm.
This is the fashion in which most of my friends choose to hug me, in general.
They’re all most likely closet gays, but whatever.

Real men hug from the rear.

While I’m on the subject of huggers, let me point out a few other notable hugger types.

One would be the "Back Patter Hugger", this type of hugger hugs you and just constantly pats your back with great force as if to dislodge a bone you may have swallowed and are currently choking on.
This hugger is also known as the "Heimlich Hugger".

Then you got the "Circle Rub Hugger".
This type of hugger hugs you with great enthusiasm and joy, but constantly rubs your back in a circle pattern, usually while the other hand is firmly rested behind your neck or upper back.
The circles are usually pretty wide circles, so there's a chance that you may have your lower back and/or ass circle rubbed in the process, but by the time your body reacts, your upper back is being rubbed and it's like an endless cycle of uncomfortable circle rubbing between your upper back and ass.
This particular hugger usually makes even the straightest men feel that their highly hetero boundaries were just crossed and are usually avoided or met with a firm handshake that says "stay the fuck back!".

The final hugger is what I like to call the "Nook Hugger".
Like the "Circle Rub Hugger", this hugger likes to make you feel as uncomfortable as all fucking Hell.
You’re not only going to be hugged and possibly circle rubbed; you're also going to have a man rest his chin into your neck nook.
That's the spot where your neck and shoulder connect, where a vampire would most likely bite you if he wasn't busy being hugged by this fucking circle hugger.
Nook Huggers wrap their arms around you then rest their chins into that little nook making you feel so god damned violated, but fully loved all at the same time.
When this guy is done hugging you, you've had your fill of hugs, forever and will most likely become a full on "I'm not confident in my sexuality" hugger.

The best huggers.

My point is this, these various hugs are the highest level and form of physical affection a man can bestow upon another man without being considered a homosexual by the general populace.

What are we supposed to do when a hug just doesn’t feel adequate enough to show your love for your fellow man?

Here’s one of my best friends on Earth, I love this guy, I feel that our current level of physical affection is insufficient, I want this to go deeper, but I don’t want people to think I’m gay.
God damn it, society, why have you backed me into this passionless corner where I feel constricted in my own body and also prohibited from displaying my immense love for another man?
I don’t want another fucking hand shake or hug, that’s not enough, FUCK!


That’s right, you heard me, I’m not a homosexual, but I love this motherfucker, I want to enter his loins and penetrate his flesh, be one with him. I want to parade around in his skin.

Put me inside of this son of a bitch.

Where we're going , we won't need roads, just a lot of these.

Sure, it sounds super gay, and it probably is pushing the very limits of heterosexuality as far as it can go, but fuck that, this is your bro, your pal, your bestie, your BFF, your nigga 4 lyfe.
Get inside that asshole right now!
Being inside of your best male friend symbolizes a union of two becoming one, like marriage, but with a same sex couple that isn’t gay, but is totally inside of one another.

Why can’t two guys penetrate each other without being homos?
What has society done to us where we think man love should have limits?

We're totally not gay.

The bible says man shall not lie with another man or some shit (unconfirmed) but says absolutely nothing about “Man shall not be inside another man, in any way, shape or form, heterosexually”. Nope, read it, nothing like that exists.
It’s a sexual loophole that men can exploit to fully explore their love for another man.

Your best friend might say he loves you, then solidify this love with a hug, HAHAHAHA, such bullshit.
His love for you is about as frail as his confidence in his sexuality.
He doesn’t want IN you, he just wants anything else that allows him to believe his own bullshit, he might as well salute you with his middle finger.
Not me, not your buddy Bronx.
I want to enter you; I want to stab my dick through your chest cavity so I can feel your warm heart beat around my penis.
I want to climb into your peephole and bask in the ambience of your loins.
I want to crawl up your butthole and perform swan dives wile jumping off of your prostate.
I want to share your blood alcohol level.
That is how much I fucking love you.

I love you this much!

Sure, we’re both guys, but who cares?
We’re in man love.
Don’t be judged by the rest, let me rest upon your man breasts.
Embrace me as I would you, INSIDE of each other.

Many of you will say “Bronx, this is gay, what the fuck is your problem?” but once I enter you, you’ll be a new man. You’ll change your homophobia laced view of the world, you’ll see that there shouldn’t be a capacity to how much one man can love another, you’ll see that the only way to fully traverse, to fully realize the bonds of love is by doing what is necessary, then you’ll say “Bronx, thank you for entering my shit, I fucking love you so God damned much, my man”.
You will.

Join me, my friends, let us enter each other.
Who’s first?
I have the lube and preparation for penetration.

Let’s fucking love each other, man.
In the ass.