Friday, January 16, 2015

The Bryan Bronx Proven Scientific Guide On How Not To Turn Gay

Despite all the war and religious turmoil and death around the world, the real issue is homosexuality.
Which is most likely the direct cause of all these atrocities.
It's 2015 and people still have issues with gay marriages and gay rights.
Pretty much anything gay is a problem, and should be fought against vigilantly.
Something which is strongly encouraged and seen as well as enforced in strict religious communities particularly in southern and/or Midwestern states.

But anyone with a problem concerning all things gay needs to blame themselves because there wouldn't be any gays if you people watched for the signs and triggers that caused gayness. 
You could prevent it entirely if you knew what to look for and what to avoid.
Similar to cancer, one can actually suddenly become gay or catch “The Gay” as it’s said in the world today.

Contrary to what the media tells you, you cannot catch The Gay by coming into contact with bodily fluids or germs and such.
If a gay man sneezes on you, you most likely won’t become gay, but scientists are still theorizing the effects on such an event and studies are currently underway, however, nothing has proven that one can catch The Gay in these specific situations so far.

With my help, you can spot the signs and causes and prevent The Gay from infecting you or your loved ones.
Especially your good, heterosexual, god fearing children.
In about a year’s time, we can put a severe dent in homosexual anomalies.
In about a decade of following these methods, we can eliminate The Gay entirely.

Here are the signs and causes to watch for and avoid at all costs lest you become a homosexual.
My question and answer section will put you on the straight path and as far away from queer thinking as one can get.

When you pet a dog, do you go with the grain or against it?
Most homosexuals go with the grain and that could cause you to become ill with The Gay as well.
Petting a dog by going with the grain generates static electricity in your palms causing gay cells to form. These cells formed by the electric shocks attack the heterosexual part of your brain and kill off straight cells the way cancer cells kill off healthy cells in your body. The Gay is very much a cancer in its own right and the American Cancer Society is working hard to include The Gay in its cancer compendium as well as striving to educate doctors on how to fight the disease.

Do you wear eyeglasses regularly?
Most homosexuals wear eyeglasses too. Switch to contact lenses or get Lasik or you will develop symptoms and will start preferring same sex relations. You’ll notice by a sudden surge of perspiration whenever triggers occur, such as muscular oiled men walking past you. Eventually you will be unable to fight the urges and will be fully infected with The Gay.

Do you sleep on your back or on your side?
Nintety percent of people who side-sleep become homosexuals by the age of eighteen..
Sleeping on your back has about a forty five percent chance of homosexual conversion.
The safest way to sleep is on your stomach.
Studies show that pointing your anus upwards means you have nothing to hide and are less likely to engage in homosexual sex or contract The Gay during sleep.
It may very well be too late for many children at this point, but there is always sexual reorientation through our religious leaders and anti-homogay homeopathic medication.

Do you wear a wristwatch?
Eighty percent of people who wear watches have a sixty percent chance of becoming fifty percent homosexual which means you could potentially become what is known as a “bi-sexual” but ultimately, you will still have The Gay despite your desire for enjoying both sex organs.
As an analogy, eating meat once a year disqualifies you from being a vegetarian just as having vaginal intercourse doesn’t negate allowing penises into your body.

Do you have a telephone landline?
Most homosexual DO NOT have a landline and use cell phones exclusively.
Cell phone radio waves, like static electricity, can kill straight brain cells causing you to develop homosexual tendencies and eventually, The Gay. These particular wave effects are much more prevalent with Apple brand cellular phones, studies have shown.
Most homosexuals have been known to own Apple phones or Apple wifi devices as they tend to become genetically predisposed to wanting to buy this brand once The Gay redesigns their genetic make-up.

Do you wear bowties?
This one is important, especially if you are an African American male.
Caucasian men are thirty percent more likely to develop The Gay from wearing bowties but African Americans are nintey percent more likely due to the thickness of their big black necks and the tightness of the bowties.
Every time you wear a bowtie as a black male, you are one step closer to same sex anus games.

Do you enjoy phallus shaped foods?
The more of these kinds of foods you eat, the more it is clear that you have an insatiable craving for male penis in your mouth. It’s a proven science and you can Google that to corroborate this information. There is absolutely zero evidence indicating the opposite. Stop eating these food items immediately.
Here is a small sample list of food items that promote anti-gay pheromones within your body:

HI-C juices
Gogurt brand yogurt
Elio’s Pizza
General Foods International Coffee
Muscle Milk
Orbit Gum
Hillshire Farms Turkey
Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies.

There are many others, but incorporating these kinds of foods into your diet will ensure a long life devoid of same sex activity.

Follow this guide closely and I guarantee you will never experience the horror of walking in on your loved ones performing homosexual acts on other infected teenagers and thereby upsetting our glorious gods.

Peace be with you and may we one day stomp The Gay out of existence by the grace of our deities.

Friday, May 30, 2014

Equal Opportunity Double Standards

Ah, the double standard.
One of the mainstays of society. 
No matter how much we progress with open mindedness, we will never be able to end it.
No man wants to take his car to a female mechanic because women are fucking stupid when it comes to cars.
No woman wants a straight man to organize her home because all a dumb ass man is going to do is fuck it up and put shit where it doesn’t belong.
We are more likely to put peanut butter in the fridge than any other living being.

Hire a male nanny? Get the fuck out; he’s going to rape your child for sure.
All us men want to do is rape kids.
Hire a female delivery person? No fucking way, she can’t even lift an iPad without keeling over and dying.
You can pretend that you’re not one of these people who think like this, but the reality is, we all are.

Do you really seek out a woman’s help in say, Home Depot?
No, you don’t. Because how can a woman possibly know the difference between a belt sander and a circular saw?
Even if you ask her opinion on a specific brand, what do you immediately do right after? Ask a male employee.

If you don't ask a man....

Have you ever seen a woman go to a STRAIGHT male beautician?
Unheard of.

Double standards are in everything.
Sure, we can blame the assholes who set it back ten years for every time they do something to hinder the progress, like when a guy can’t change a tire (besides me) or when a woman can’t fold a fitted sheet properly.
It gets fucked up, but it always exists.
We know this, but no one gives a shit (I just have nothing better to write about).
For example, there’s a video circling Facebook currently.
You know Facebook, that website where we all get our breaking news and information from.
Here’s the video:

In this video, they show us a man roughing up a woman, which causes everyone nearby to take action and become five-minute heroes.
That’s fine; we all should jump in when shit isn’t copacetic. Too many people sit idle while real situations need attention. It’s pretty normal behavior.
I’ve seen this myself and have taken action in the past in certain instances where I’m not asleep on public transportation.
So in the video, shortly after the abusive man skit, they show us the reverse scenario, now the woman is roughing up the man.
Only difference being; NO ONE GIVES A FUCK.
Seriously, every single person either keeps walking, ignores it completely or starts laughing about it.
It’s what we’ve learned from our parents, from our communities.

Men aren’t supposed to be weak, we are the rocks that the family stands behind when shit hits the fan, the foundation that everyone builds upon, the breadwinner, the muscle behind every outfit, but when a man is seen as weak, holy shit, it’s funny as fuck.
A guy with mental health issues, disabilities, man tits or anything seen as a weakness is immediately weeded out and judged by society.
No one gives a shit about it.
Man up, or step aside.

An extreme point would be to think about rape culture for a second, fuck yes, it’s awful.
Men will try to pretend it’s not a thing, but that’s sort of the point.
To put it into perspective, a woman shouldn’t lead a man on or she’ll get what’s coming to her.
Bitches should know better than to wear leather skirts to work!
Men are innocent, she provoked it, so I poked it.
She shakes it, I rapes it.
Am I really the culprit if she dressed like Jessica Rabbit?
Fuck no.
She asked for it!
Don’t show those titties if you don’t want to let me touch them.
Rape is proper recompense for exposing yourself.

That’s rape culture in a sarcastic nutshell.

Now I know joking about rape, even ever so lightly is bad news, frowned upon by the gods of all things holy, proper and rape-free, but what about when a man gets raped?
He’s not as defenseless as a woman, so if a man gets raped, it’s not such a big deal.
Pretty fucking hilarious, right?
Yes. No one really gives a shit.
The only time people care about a male getting raped is when it’s a child, otherwise, rape away.
Maybe it’s because guys don’t come forward or admit to being raped because obviously, everyone at the police department would be cracking up if a guy came in crying about rape.
Gaping asshole jokes would ring out all over town and people would mock him by bending over and doing hand motions of jamming imaginary dildos into their asses like a rapey game of charades (my second favorite type of charades).
A man that can’t defend himself is definitely a man that deserves to be raped.
What a giant pussy.

Someone rape him ASAP.

If a guy wears some tight pants, does he deserve the rape?
Maybe he asked for it too, fuck it.
Fuck him, in the ass even.

Double standards!

My gripe with all of this, besides the forced sex, is that we keep on teaching the same bullshit values and societal norms that have been handed down to us from people who lived for bullshit values and societal norms.
We pass it down like a family heirloom, keeping the cycle going.

I want to live in a world where I can comfortably sit and watch a woman struggle while carrying a heavy package and not feel compelled to help her because she’s such a fucking wimp.

I want to live in a world where a man can get raped and actually have someone give a shit, he can go to the police and send someone to jail for putting things into his anus.

I want to live in a world where women can dress like complete sluts without stupid fucking men saying asshole shit to her, just observe from a distance and masturbate to her when you get home like the rest of us upstanding citizens.

This slut is asking for it.

I want to live in a world where I can be sexually harassed and groped by women because my shirt is a bit form fitting.

A world where a female mechanic isn’t someone’s idea of a joke.

A world where men can be nurses and it isn’t funny.

A world where Who’s the Boss is seen as a learning program.
Let men be nannies.
There’s nothing wrong with a man nursing an infant unless it’s with his dick, remember that.

A world where women actually help during moving.

A world where men do something around the house besides jerk off and fart and disappoint their wives.

A world where women buy men drinks for a change.
I partially blame Obama, because why not?
If Romney were president, women would be driving trucks, carrying their own fucking carriages down the stairs and raping men, but thanks to Obama, we get another four years of male dominated rape culture and ugly female nannies.

This shit has to end.
Vote for equal opportunity rape and end the double standard.
Vote Republican.

Remember, rape isn’t fucking funny. Unless it happens to a guy!
For now…


***Bryan Bronx does not support rape in any shape or form but he does have a rape fantasy where three smoking hot, leather clad female vampires hold him down and refuse to listen to his safe word which is “CONSTANTINOPLE”. But no anal insertion takes place.***

Thursday, January 16, 2014

The Ending is Always a Lie or Big - Everyone's Favorite Crime Drama

When you think back to movies you’ve watched over the years,  it's (probably) not very common for you to think about the alternate side of the whole story or the story from someone else's point of view or even the ramifications of the actions of the main characters. 
Once they end, they end and you don't really give two shits about anything else other than the successful outcome of the main guy.
Did they set out to achieve their ultimate goal? Yes? Fuck yeah, let's go get cinnamon buns at Ikea. 

Spoilers: You're going to die.

What sparked this whole idea was the movie Big, with Tom Hanks. I’ll get into that in a moment but first I’d like to go over a more recent movie I watched, The Life of Pi. 
You’ve probably seen it, or at least know what it’s about. 
In short, it’s the story of some dude named Pi who gets stranded on a boat with a tiger named Richard Parker and tries to survive with little to no food or water, keeping himself and Richard Parker alive while trying to find land or some place that isn’t water. 
(It’s like Waterworld with Indians and tigers, but doesn’t suck, also no guns or pirate dudes, or Kevin Costner. It’s probably not at all like Waterworld, but you should watch it anyway.)
Why he doesn’t just bludgeon and eat Richard Parker is beyond me, but whatever, it’s supposed to be a tale of the human spirit, not about how delicious tiger meat is. 
Tiger meat has to be fucking fantastic, they are an endangered species after all and I can guarantee it’s not because they’re stupid, this fucking tiger swims in the movie. SWIMS. If I wet my cat, he fucking loses his shit and this tiger swims in the ocean, holy shit. 
I think Richard Parker even rolls a fat joint with the kid halfway through the move while reciting his favorite Wu Tang Clan lyrics, it was nuts. 

Dude, is it just me or is there a dead fucking zebra on this boat?

But yeah, tiger meat is probably tits, my man. THE TITS.

So anyway, spoiler alert, fuck your mother, the kid finds land at the end and gets rescued, I want to say it was in Mexico,  all while Richard Parker just bails the boat and runs towards some nearby woods.
The kid is safe, lives to tell his tale, somewhat happy ending, I guess, I mean, his family is still dead, but hooray.

Family's dead, YOLO.

At this point, I feel that Richard Parker’s current status is the real story here. 
Here you have Pi being rescued and dragged off to work tech support at some Mexican phone company, presumably, but no one mentions that there’s now a Bengal tiger roaming the Mexican wilderness. This is BAD news. Anyone who knows how ecosystems work knows that this tiger is going to fuck shit up so bad. He's going to completely destroy the local wildlife, (what fucking animal over in Mexico can possibly fuck with a tiger?) possibly maim and/or kill many locals, and piss all over everything in the woods causing some serious ecological damage on a pretty big scale.
Hunters can’t hunt because he’d fuck them up, no one can gather wood because he’d fuck them up and as a result, shit’s going to go sour. People will die or at the very least, they’re going to send out a squad of gunmen to shoot the big orange balls off of Richard Parker. 
So either way you cut it, the ending of The Life of Pi is just a really fucked up situation for all, particularly for Richard Parker and all of whatever part of Mexico is being decimated by his rampage of tiger piss.

Now to get to the point of this, (FINALLY! Fuck you.) I give you the movie Big.
Everyone loves Big.  Ask anyone who happened to be a kid during the 80’s and they’ll have it in their top whatever list of favorite things to numerically list and call favorite. It’s always mentioned, it’s a classic film. 
Simple story too, kid hates being a kid, makes a wish at a magical wish machine, becomes Tom Hanks, gets a dream job, gets a pimp ass balling fucking apartment in Manhattan and has sex with a below average looking middle aged white woman while playing with toys. It’s the American dream. 

Now if you stop to think about it, the kid is living it up, it’s an epic adventure for him, however, from his mom’s perspective, the movie Big is a nightmarish crime drama.
This kid is jumping on trampolines and getting his dick sucked by Billy while his mom sits at home assuming her son was kidnapped and is being tortured by the very man she saw in her house at the beginning of the movie.
Every moment is horror for her, not knowing if her son is some sex slave to Forrest Gump or being fed spoonfuls of human shit or getting punched in the dick repeatedly by a boxing glove on a pendulum or any number of terrible things that kidnappers do.

To make matters worse, he calls her during the film, sings “Memories”, and goes along with the whole kidnapping bit. 
She’s probably a complete fucking wreck at home, but they don’t really focus on that, we’re just given the parts of the story where everything is innocent fun while she’s probably crying into her pillow for hours every night with zero leads from the police.
Even when it ends, it couldn’t possibly lead to a happy ending. She gets her son back, obviously after the spell wears off and he shows up in a grown man’s suit.
Then what?
There will be years of therapy for all.
So many medical bills. They'll be buried in debt.
Plus, no matter what he says, she’s going to believe what she assumes to be the worst possible scenario and think he was threatened to say otherwise. 
She doesn’t know if that man will come back one day and snatch the kid all over again then drag him to his rape basement of fucky fuck.
The police will have a cold case file up their asses forever, since this “kidnapping” will never be solved and the mom will never rest easy knowing he’s out there and potentially waiting to strike again.

In this photo: Not Tom Hanks, possibly a rapist. 

This movie is quite possibly the most horrifying movie of all time from a mother’s perspective, yet we all love it as a timeless tale of childhood innocence in an adult world.
God damn, we’re so stupid. 

All this while Zoltar has that smug fucking look on his stupid face.

Conversely, Big is a fantastic title for a pornographic film. 

If anyone is wondering, no, I don’t use drugs or eat tiger meat because they don't sell it at BJ's.
Thanks for reading.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

This Fucking Guy

You're a real piece of shit, Bryan Bronx. A real piece of shit.
Post something already, you motherfucker.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

My Greatest Christmas

Must have been 89 or 90, so long ago, I can barely remember exactly, I just remember that it was the greatest video game gift I've ever received, and probably the best Christmas I've ever had.
I must have been 10 or 11 or so.

My aunt Loida possibly saved up and/or probably had to borrow money to buy it for me, because this particular gift, it cost about $100 some odd dollars back then and I figured I'd never get it, since she supported 7 of us and my uncle's drug habit on top of a car that conked out at least once a month.

I had been asking for this gift as hard and as often as I could for two years, a few of my pals had one, and I'd hang with them just to get my fill, to satisfy the urge to have it, but it wasn't enough, I needed my own, but there were bills to pay, and kids to feed, not much extra for videogames.

The only videogames we did get were occasional used NES games from Doorae's mall down on West Farms, where we'd gamble on a random title and risk it and get whatever we thought was cool.
There was no internet back then, only word of mouth, so if a game sucked, you were shit out of luck.
But, if Ralphie from across the hallway had the game, it must have been good.
He was an only child who got all the cool games.

Otherwise, we blew about $20-$30 bucks on a real piece of shit, either way, that was what we got maybe twice a year, if we were lucky.

I'd mostly get my games by borrowing and trading with friends.
One good thing about being a Foster kid, and living in the hood, people tend to move a lot.
When you borrow, and your pal moves, you got a free game, it almost always worked out in your favor, but, there were times when it totally fucked you over, and you lost a game or two.
A gamble, but sometimes, you’ve got to give it your all with the shitty cards you're dealt, none of that know when to fold’em bullshit.

Anyway, Christmas day comes, we used to open gifts at the stroke of midnight on Christmas day, I remember opening a few gifts, mainly action figures, and stocking stuffers from grandma, mostly sweatpants and socks and art supplies and shit.
I'm done unwrapping all the fodder, but my dream gift was nowhere to be seen.

Did they forget?
Did they not care?
What the fuck?

And then my aunt passes me one last package,  MAYBE, just MAYBE, here it is, a rectangular shaped box, with the words “from Santa, to Bryan” written on it (my family always writes that shit on gifts).
Is this it?....
What could be inside?
Is it a trick??

I unwrap this gift hesitant, slowly,  like the first time I took a girl’s bra off, nervous, yes, but with a hard on so stiff, I could jack a tank up to change its tire and not have it bend.

I get the corner off, from there, I kick the shakes, and just let it rip, there it is, oh my's a's a FUCKING GAMEBOY HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!

Out of sheer excitement, I jumped so high, I almost banged my head on the eight foot high ceiling, there's photo evidence of this somewhere, meanwhile, I'm screaming “A GAMEBOY, A GAMEBOY” so loud, everyone in the house is all smiles for me, it's like I got the gift of gifts, and all my cousins and my brother knew that this was my moment, I had finally gotten something I wanted in my shitty life, the fact that I lived in the hood, that I was poor, that I was unfortunate,  none of that mattered, at this moment in time, I was a millionaire, I was Richie Rich, I was golden.
I immediately tossed four double a batteries into the Gameboy and began playing the only game I'd own for a good few months...Tetris.
This was a momentous occasion.
This was the greatest moment ever in my young life.....

Then, the horror came....
A few months later, I STRONGLY believe my uncle would go on to steal my Gameboy from underneath the pile of unmatched socks in my sock drawer and sell my Gameboy on the street for $20 to buy drugs.
I had nothing now, my moment.....was at an end, and life had no purpose.
I wished his death so hard that even the devil thought I was being too harsh.
He had to die....
I suffered for a few months, no Gameboy, just regular console games to hold me over in the meantime.

Luckily, the god of video games heard my calls, and the next Christmas I got the Gameboy core system!

I was back!!!.

Then the horror struck again....and when I slept over my friend’s house, they switched their broken Gameboy for my brand new one...

I still own it to this day, it works, but the screen borders are a bit cut off.
Life sure can suck sometimes.

And this is my little holiday story, the story of my best Christmas throughout my childhood, my video game Christmas story.

Special Thanks to Titi Loida, without you, I would probably be in jail or dead somewhere.