Thursday, August 4, 2011

I Will Steal Your Fucking Bike, Spider-man (Super Spectacular Hetero Guest post by Kid Ish)


Got a special post today, from a guest, my heterosexual life mate, Kid Ish.
Unlike me, he's not a complete comic book racist, so read on about the Spigger Spidey.


So the other day, Marvel showed some pictures of Miles Morales, the new Spider-man, to USA Today, the paradigm of virtuous fucking reporting every goddamn day to Denny's patrons. It's totally the most reliable place to connect with your typical, completely racist, fascist, and closed-minded American: anyone living in the middle of the country.
 He looks pretty gay right here, but Marvel assures us: he's just a minority, not an asshole sodomizer. 



So goddamn right, everyone and their mother is online and offline talking about how Marvel is giving white jobs to minorities, those fucking bastards. Affirmative action in our white ego masturbatory fantasies?

Fuck no! We won't stand for it! Even though this looks pretty cool...



Uhhh......




Ahh...better.

Except we totally will stand for it, because we're fucking godless heathens who like to suck each other's e-dicks. I have no idea what this has to do with anything, I think I just really wanted to connect with the readers of this blog.


You know, all totally buttfucking queer.


Anyway. Back to business: the new Spider-man is half black, half Hispanic. Marvel wants me to say half African American, half Hispanic. Since that makes absolute fucking sense, I'm going to call him half black, since on his mother's side nobody fucking cares about Africa, they have a really gay Batman. 

Batwing, the gayest idea since stealing people from their homes for slavery purposes and not sex purposes pfft.

So fuck that place. Right?


Bronx is Puerto Rican you know. Even my computer wants me to correct the spelling of Puerto to like, Roberto, which tells you how important that fucking place is. But his PR-ass is whiter than mine, so you know he's all pissed off that the new Ultimate Spider-man is half not white, like his albino ass.


Where am I going with this?


Fuck you, I like this Miles Morales kid. He totally wouldn't steal my bike.


BRONX'S P.S. -

Bronx's gripe: (This is me, writing on my shit, but on my guest's shit,  because I'm all up in his shit) .
(See yesterday's blog post). 
The only issue I have with a Spigger Spidey is that it seems purposely done to just generate headlines and/or controversy.
I mean, look at his mix, look at his name.
You take a common, yet somewhat sophisticated Black name and a common Hispanic last name and BAM, Obligatory ethnic mashup.
I'm surprised they didn't get even more PC and put him in a wheelchair, or make him gay or have him shoot rays of sunshine from his eyes that brought our soldiers home.
Whatever, I'm just a very hardcore Spidey fan, forgive my skepticism, forgive my rant, proceed.
KEEP MY WHITES WHITE AND MY COLOREDS COLORED, THIS IS AMERICA GOD DAMN IT!


6 comments:

  1. Flash Thompson hits their wheelchaired gay audiences, man. Don't fret, I'm still white though.

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  2. LoL do MOAR

    you guys are so gay.

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  3. I find all of our language to be absolutely uncivilized and atrocious, by the way. Our parents all sucked.

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  4. God damn I want inside this motherfucker.

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  5. If suddenly Peter Parker was half black half hispanic I would be pissed. Because that would be changing the character just to stir shit up.

    The fact that its a totally new dude, with a similar name to Parker is fine with me. MM=PP.

    You can only tell so many stories with Parker, so why not let someone else be spidey. Similar to how DC finally gave the cowl to Dick Grayson (but then changed their minds and now just keep fucking up the batverse).

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  6. I started reading Ultimate Spidey after this, and I must say, it is really good. SO there's a lot of hope here.

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