Wednesday, September 28, 2011

What Does This Do Mommy? The Sexual Miseducation of Bryan Bronx.

Thinking deeply to myself the other day, which is what I do when you see me on the subway with my lower jaw hanging open, drooling, leaning on someone who may be sitting beside me or rocking back and forth with my eyes closed as the train stops and goes, I realized that out of all my years spent in the New York City public school system, I learned absolutely Jack Shit about anything sex related from the many schools I attended.
Well, we did have a Health Ed class in seventh grade, which was coordinated by one of our gym teachers and was mostly about watching Basketball videos and little girls staring at his piece in his unusually short sweat shorts for forty-five minutes, but other than that, I didn't pick up anything useful in that class, unless by "anything useful" I actually mean "reading Nintendo Power" magazine.

"Nintendo Power"

High School wasn’t any better.
I don't even remember having a Health class, in fact, the only thing I can remember remotely related to Sex Ed was a substitute teacher showing us how to put on a condom on what appeared to be a wooden cock.
I swear to God.
That dude seemed sort of gay and had an insurmountable proficiency at this skill because that cock cover was wrapped around that wooden phallus faster than I can get one off of my own pink and fleshy love pole.

"Pay attention, children, we'll have a hands on demonstration next."
But that was it.
This was the extent of what the school system taught yours truly about sex.
Hell, I didn't even learn about sex organs!
If I didn't watch porn as often as I did, (which wasn't often, fuck you…..twice a day) I'd have never known what any of the sex organs' actual bodily functions and uses really were.
I didn't know tits produced milk only when a woman was pregnant, I assumed they just shot milk like Spider-Man shot webs, whenever, wherever, like bulbous, fleshy super soakers filled with cow juice.

"OH MY GAWD, those cookies are going to taste SO good!"

I always wondered why we even bought milk at stores when any one of my aunts could have just as easily squeezed their chesticles and filled a bowl of my King Vitamin cereal in a swirling white ocean of momma milk.
Why were people starving in Africa if all that was needed was a good pinch on someone's tit to shoot nourishment down the throats of fly covered kids?
What the fuck?

"Africa's messiah."

No one taught me this shit about tits,  I swear to God, I didn’t know anything about tits other than the fact that staring at them made my dick harder than a child molester getting a job at a daycare.

"Now kids, meet your new teacher, who looks totally safe."
I thought the main functions of mammaries were to seduce men and then feed the babies that came from said seduction's consequences.
That's about it.
Sure, one can argue "Haven't you seen a movie? Haven't you seen discovery channel?”
But keep in mind, I didn't have cable until later in life because I was a poor little piece of shit and I've also never seen a movie where the focal point of the plot was about titty milk.
You tell me a movie that focuses on that subject and I'll rush on to Netflix right now and start watching.
Possibly with my pants off, but whatever.

Don't even get me started on vaginas.
You have to what? Get them wet to insert your penis in there?
Since fucking when??
Was there a class I missed here?
"Instructional Vaginal Moistening 101"?
No one told me this shit, I had to discover this on my own by jamming my finger into a vagina and using the poor girl's cringes and screams as my guide to whether or not I've performed an appropriate and successful finger bang.
THEN after the water works began (or blood loss from my haphazardly and aimless dry finger stabbing) and the aforementioned moistening was upon us, that sweet gentle glide area was ready for me to insert items that needed lubrication for easy insertion such as rolled up magazines, mail tubes and anything else I wanted to shove up there in the name of sexual science and sheer curiosity.
Sure, probably my dick too, why not?
But that last point is neither here nor there,  I was one of those kids who'd stick his dick in anything with a hole suitable for it in the name of exploration (my penis is quite the spelunker), so that's a story for another time.

"Yup, you bet your ass I would."

To me, vaginas were just a mysterious, furry, spider looking creature that didn't come with enough instructions for me to understand the concept of one.
There's even a clitoris and a G spot in there somewhere!
Did you know that if you gently rubbed the clitoris, this would stimulate women and subsequently lead them to orgasm?
Me neither!
Holy shit!
When the fuck did anyone mention this?
Not even your parents can teach you this, because it's a touchy subject, too graphic or rather, erotic to explain and makes most parents feel really fucking uncomfortable.
I wouldn't tell this shit to my children, but I'll demonstrate on the cat.
Nah, I'm kidding.
But truly, it's all a game of trial and error and embarrassment.
Also, keep in mind, people won't outright admit half the shit I just admitted to.
Everyone goes through this exact same thing, this sexual confusion, but they try to play it off with a faux confidence and bravado about it, but its all bullshit, they had no idea what the fuck was happening at the time, just like me.
You think most guys know where the G spot is?
(I do).

Sex organs are some of nature’s greatest mysteries and will always have a need for discovery since the demand for sharing the knowledge isn't high at all, but only because of the embarrassment factor behind it.
I dare you to ask anyone about the subjects covered here, good luck being a social fucking outcast and a lifelong sexual deviant.
Had I asked anyone such questions, I'd have been ousted and would have become one of those weird guys who only get off when you fist fuck their parakeets while watching Family Ties on blu-ray and you have to jerk them off with a wet sock puppet.


I like to think of sexual discovery like a broken game of Operation, at least from the male perspective.
You randomly jam your dick into whatever hole you can find, hoping for victory, but since it's a broken game of operation, your lady friends' nose isn't going to light up and you don't get that scary fucking buzzing noise telling you that Cobra Commander is in the wrong hole.
Though, I'm very thankful it doesn't make that noise because Operation always scared the living shit out of me whenever I fucked up, I couldn't take that pressure during sex, especially first-time sex.

"Now I just insert myself into this hole and.....BUZZZZZZZ! FUCK!"

Penises aren't exempt here, either.
I obviously don't know how it must have been from the female perspective (and I'd love to hear your thoughts on this, ladies) but from my childhood understanding of penises, either a guy’s pecker looked like mine, which was a fully circumcised cruise missile, or a God damned hideously deformed ant eater looking contraption that shot piss out of it whenever it was exposed to light.
Fuck me, I remember the first time I went pee pee time with another dude, we were in an alleyway and both of us whipped out our dicks to piss when suddenly my little buddy points out the differences in our dicks and as I stare at his, I am suddenly filled with a sense of horror and dread and coldness as I bore witness to his little mangled meat and saw the most horrifying piece of flesh I'd ever lay eyes on.
His dick looked like a sick joke made during the Spanish inquisition, it looked like some kind of bait a depraved fisherman would hang off a hook, it looked like an over-boiled hotdog, ACK!  
It was just fucked and awful and I wanted to throw up.
His dick looked like Cell's tail (from Dragon Ball Z) and I assumed it would perform the same functions, swallowing me whole and absorbing my essence with my pants on and everything.

"Fuck! It smells like Feta cheese in here!!!"

I didn't know that there were circumcisions, I assumed there were just normal dicks and abnormal dicks and that my dick was regular and your dick was a motherfucking science accident.
Funny thing is, I later found out that my dick was actually the abnormal one and that the disgusting flesh sheath is what you're born with and my mind was completely and utterly blown away in disbelief.
I then realized that God is a fucking sicko with a deformed penis.

Imagine being a young lady (unless you are one, of course) and having the same frame of mind I did concerning what a penis should look like.
I mean, after all, when you watch most porn movies or look at dick magazines (these exist, right?), men are almost always circumcised, it's not too often you see one that isn't chopped proper in nude media.

So here you are, a young, innocent girl getting frisky with Fast Eddie from downstairs when those hormones start raging and something inside of you tells you that you should put his penis into your mouth because it seems like a good place to start.
He whips out his dick that you're expecting to look like a fire hydrant as you get ready to engulf it and all of a sudden you're confronted by a fucking pants leech.
What do you do?
You freak the fuck out is what you do, unless you're a sick fucking chick who'd suck on anything and it doesn't even phase you.
You also probably love aged cheese.

Personally, I would not put that thing in my mouth, so Eddie over here is going to have the biggest case of blue balls since Papa Smurf.
Sure, being uncircumcised is normal, but so is being born a retarded person and I wouldn't suck their dicks either.
If I was a young lady, I mean.
Shut up.

We have to get our sex know-how shit together, people.
Schools need to get on the ball and get sex education in order because all of this self discovery can't be healthy.
There has to be one crazy son of a bitch out there who is willing to share their knowledge of tits and pussies and horribly disfigured penises with the youth of the world.
Someone who will explain to you why vaginas fart and why some penises lean to the left and why anal sex is frowned upon (but so beloved!).

It's not going to be me, I'm still too embarrassed to buy condoms or titty magazines, I make excuses whenever I have to show someone my non erect penis, so you better look elsewhere for a solid role model, but I will be happy to endorse this individual once he or she steps forward.

Who will save us?
Who will teach those unfortunate souls of the world that farting during a blowjob is bad oral sex etiquette?
Who will tell you that the clitoris is not a god damned arcade game button for you to bash on?
We need the Sex Ed equivalent of Jaime Escalante....

Or we can just hand out more flyers and call it a day, whatevs.


  1. listen i have a uncircumcised penis ok, and it is always clean and ready for a good blow job. never dirty so go fuck yourself you freak with a german helmet! besides that i laughed the whole time. awesome!

  2. Hey, hey, don't be mad at me because I got Darth Vader in my pants!