Equal Opportunity Double Standards

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The Ending is Always a Lie or Big - Everyone's Favorite Crime Drama

When you think back to movies you’ve watched over the years,  it's (probably) not very common for you to think about the alternate side of the whole story or the story from someone else's point of view or even the ramifications of the actions of the main characters. 

Once they end, they end and you don't really give two shits about anything else other than the successful outcome of the main guy.

Did they set out to achieve their ultimate goal? Yes? Fuck yeah, let's go get cinnamon buns at Ikea. 

Spoilers: You're going to die.

What sparked this whole idea was the movie Big, with Tom Hanks. I’ll get into that in a moment but first I’d like to go over a more recent movie I watched, The Life of Pi. 

You’ve probably seen it, or at least know what it’s about. 

In short, it’s the story of some dude named Pi who gets stranded on a boat with a tiger named Richard Parker and tries to survive with little to no food or water, keeping himself and Richard Parker alive while trying to find land or some place that isn’t water. 

(It’s like Waterworld with Indians and tigers, but doesn’t suck, also no guns or pirate dudes, or Kevin Costner. It’s probably not at all like Waterworld, but you should watch it anyway.)

Why he doesn’t just bludgeon and eat Richard Parker is beyond me, but whatever, it’s supposed to be a tale of the human spirit, not about how delicious tiger meat is. 

Tiger meat has to be fucking fantastic, they are an endangered species after all and I can guarantee it’s not because they’re stupid, this fucking tiger swims in the movie. SWIMS. If I wet my cat, he fucking loses his shit and this tiger swims in the ocean, holy shit. 

I think Richard Parker even rolls a fat joint with the kid halfway through the move while reciting his favorite Wu Tang Clan lyrics, it was nuts. 

Dude, is it just me or is there a dead fucking zebra on this boat?

But yeah, tiger meat is probably tits, my man. THE TITS.

So anyway, spoiler alert, fuck your mother, the kid finds land at the end and gets rescued, I want to say it was in Mexico,  all while Richard Parker just bails the boat and runs towards some nearby woods.

The kid is safe, lives to tell his tale, somewhat happy ending, I guess, I mean, his family is still dead, but hooray.

Family's dead, YOLO.

At this point, I feel that Richard Parker’s current status is the real story here. 

Here you have Pi being rescued and dragged off to work tech support at some Mexican phone company, presumably, but no one mentions that there’s now a Bengal tiger roaming the Mexican wilderness. This is BAD news. Anyone who knows how ecosystems work knows that this tiger is going to fuck shit up so bad. He's going to completely destroy the local wildlife, (what fucking animal over in Mexico can possibly fuck with a tiger?) possibly maim and/or kill many locals, and piss all over everything in the woods causing some serious ecological damage on a pretty big scale.

Hunters can’t hunt because he’d fuck them up, no one can gather wood because he’d fuck them up and as a result, shit’s going to go sour. People will die or at the very least, they’re going to send out a squad of gunmen to shoot the big orange balls off of Richard Parker. 

So either way you cut it, the ending of The Life of Pi is just a really fucked up situation for all, particularly for Richard Parker and all of whatever part of Mexico is being decimated by his rampage of tiger piss.

Now to get to the point of this, (FINALLY! Fuck you.) I give you the movie Big.

Everyone loves Big.  Ask anyone who happened to be a kid during the 80’s and they’ll have it in their top whatever list of favorite things to numerically list and call favorite. It’s always mentioned, it’s a classic film. 

Simple story too, kid hates being a kid, makes a wish at a magical wish machine, becomes Tom Hanks, gets a dream job, gets a pimp ass balling fucking apartment in Manhattan and has sex with a below average looking middle aged white woman while playing with toys. It’s the American dream. 

Now if you stop to think about it, the kid is living it up, it’s an epic adventure for him, however, from his mom’s perspective, the movie Big is a nightmarish crime drama.

This kid is jumping on trampolines and getting his dick sucked by Billy while his mom sits at home assuming her son was kidnapped and is being tortured by the very man she saw in her house at the beginning of the movie.

Every moment is horror for her, not knowing if her son is some sex slave to Forrest Gump or being fed spoonfuls of human shit or getting punched in the dick repeatedly by a boxing glove on a pendulum or any number of terrible things that kidnappers do.

To make matters worse, he calls her during the film, sings “Memories”, and goes along with the whole kidnapping bit. 

She’s probably a complete fucking wreck at home, but they don’t really focus on that, we’re just given the parts of the story where everything is innocent fun while she’s probably crying into her pillow for hours every night with zero leads from the police.

Even when it ends, it couldn’t possibly lead to a happy ending. She gets her son back, obviously after the spell wears off and he shows up in a grown man’s suit.

Then what?

There will be years of therapy for all.

So many medical bills. They'll be buried in debt.

Plus, no matter what he says, she’s going to believe what she assumes to be the worst possible scenario and think he was threatened to say otherwise. 

She doesn’t know if that man will come back one day and snatch the kid all over again then drag him to his rape basement of fucky fuck.

The police will have a cold case file up their asses forever, since this “kidnapping” will never be solved and the mom will never rest easy knowing he’s out there and potentially waiting to strike again.

In this photo: Not Tom Hanks, possibly a rapist. 

This movie is quite possibly the most horrifying movie of all time from a mother’s perspective, yet we all love it as a timeless tale of childhood innocence in an adult world.

God damn, we’re so stupid. 

All this while Zoltar has that smug fucking look on his stupid face.

Conversely, Big is a fantastic title for a pornographic film. 

If anyone is wondering, no, I don’t use drugs or eat tiger meat because they don't sell it at BJ's.

Thanks for reading.

This Fucking Guy

You're a real piece of shit, Bryan Bronx. A real piece of shit.
Post something already, you motherfucker.

My Greatest Christmas

Must have been 89 or 90, so long ago, I can barely remember exactly, I just remember that it was the greatest video game gift I've ever received, and probably the best Christmas I've ever had.

I must have been 10 or 11 or so.

My aunt Loida possibly saved up and/or probably had to borrow money to buy it for me, because this particular gift, it cost about $100 some odd dollars back then and I figured I'd never get it, since she supported 7 of us and my uncle's drug habit on top of a car that conked out at least once a month.

I had been asking for this gift as hard and as often as I could for two years, a few of my pals had one, and I'd hang with them just to get my fill, to satisfy the urge to have it, but it wasn't enough, I needed my own, but there were bills to pay, and kids to feed, not much extra for videogames.

The only videogames we did get were occasional used NES games from Doorae's mall down on West Farms, where we'd gamble on a random title and risk it and get whatever we thought was cool.

There was no internet back then, only word of mouth, so if a game sucked, you were shit out of luck.

But, if Ralphie from across the hallway had the game, it must have been good.

He was an only child who got all the cool games.

Otherwise, we blew about $20-$30 bucks on a real piece of shit, either way, that was what we got maybe twice a year, if we were lucky.

I'd mostly get my games by borrowing and trading with friends.

One good thing about being a Foster kid, and living in the hood, people tend to move a lot.

When you borrow, and your pal moves, you got a free game, it almost always worked out in your favor, but, there were times when it totally fucked you over, and you lost a game or two.

A gamble, but sometimes, you’ve got to give it your all with the shitty cards you're dealt, none of that know when to fold’em bullshit.

Anyway, Christmas day comes, we used to open gifts at the stroke of midnight on Christmas day, I remember opening a few gifts, mainly action figures, and stocking stuffers from grandma, mostly sweatpants and socks and art supplies and shit.

I'm done unwrapping all the fodder, but my dream gift was nowhere to be seen.

Did they forget?

Did they not care?

What the fuck?

WHERE IS IT??

And then my aunt passes me one last package,  MAYBE, just MAYBE, here it is, a rectangular shaped box, with the words “from Santa, to Bryan” written on it (my family always writes that shit on gifts).

Is this it?....

What could be inside?

Is it a trick??

I unwrap this gift hesitant, slowly,  like the first time I took a girl’s bra off, nervous, yes, but with a hard on so stiff, I could jack a tank up to change its tire and not have it bend.

I get the corner off, from there, I kick the shakes, and just let it rip, there it is, oh my god....it's a ....it's a FUCKING GAMEBOY HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!

Out of sheer excitement, I jumped so high, I almost banged my head on the eight foot high ceiling, there's photo evidence of this somewhere, meanwhile, I'm screaming “A GAMEBOY, A GAMEBOY” so loud, everyone in the house is all smiles for me, it's like I got the gift of gifts, and all my cousins and my brother knew that this was my moment, I had finally gotten something I wanted in my shitty life, the fact that I lived in the hood, that I was poor, that I was unfortunate,  none of that mattered, at this moment in time, I was a millionaire, I was Richie Rich, I was golden.

I immediately tossed four double a batteries into the Gameboy and began playing the only game I'd own for a good few months...Tetris.

This was a momentous occasion.

This was the greatest moment ever in my young life.....

Then, the horror came....

A few months later, I STRONGLY believe my uncle would go on to steal my Gameboy from underneath the pile of unmatched socks in my sock drawer and sell my Gameboy on the street for $20 to buy drugs.

I had nothing now, my moment.....was at an end, and life had no purpose.

I wished his death so hard that even the devil thought I was being too harsh.

He had to die....

I suffered for a few months, no Gameboy, just regular console games to hold me over in the meantime.

Luckily, the god of video games heard my calls, and the next Christmas I got the Gameboy core system!

I was back!!!.

Then the horror struck again....and when I slept over my friend’s house, they switched their broken Gameboy for my brand new one...

I still own it to this day, it works, but the screen borders are a bit cut off.

Life sure can suck sometimes.

And this is my little holiday story, the story of my best Christmas throughout my childhood, my video game Christmas story.

Special Thanks to Titi Loida, without you, I would probably be in jail or dead somewhere.

Valentine's Day And Giant Vaginas

This is one of those posts where the title kind of says it all and at this point, all I'd really need to do is post a picture or two of each topic and BAM, done for the day.

But this post is actually about religion and philosophy, I just used a luring tactic to get you here.

No it's not, I'm bullshitting you, it's about Valentine's Day and giant vaginas (giant vaginae?), your mom's two favorite things!

GOTCHA!

Best movie title EVER.

First of all, fuck Valentine’s Day, fuck Saint Valentine and fuck his mother with a big black dildo.

Now that we’ve gotten those pleasantries out of the way, let me point out that Valentine’s Day falls on a Tuesday this year, which in the interest of big business, I personally feel is fucking retarded given that it’s a made up Holiday specifically created to generate revenue for those types of stores that overprice their holiday bullshit like Hallmark and any drug or convenience store that sells stupid ass special occasion cards.

You can SOMEWHAT appreciate the holiday if you live in some of the bigger cities, where it only benefits the Mexican peddlers selling flowers and shitty teddy bears on the streets, and you are a Mexican flower and shitty teddy bear seller, then it’s a rocking good day.

Those guys are cool, I guess, but fuck them too, for the sake of hating Valentine’s Day entirely.

Fuck you and your meager earnings!!!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some cheapskate or disgruntled and bitter dude who got shafted every Valentine’s Day (yes I am), I just hate forced shit.

I can’t stand doing things just because you are obligated to do so or because everyone else is doing it, fuck that noise, and nothing is more forced and obligatory than Valentine’s Day, well, besides Christmas, but if it weren’t for Christmas, I’d have never gotten shit EVER, so fuck Christmas just a little less, but fuck it nonetheless, as well.

Think about it.

You obligatorily go out on Valentine’s, then what?

Every restaurant you go to is overcrowded and has long wait times for a table.

Movie theaters are jam packed, that means over three times as many black people talking during the film!

Any romantic idea you have in mind is being done by every other fucking human alive at the same time, or they’ve jacked the prices so high that you probably have to suck a dick or two in order to afford it.

Beautiful flower arrangement? Start sucking.

Horse and carriage ride? Start sucking.

The horse, that is, not the jockey.

Fuck that shit, wait until the fifteenth and buy something on sale!

Take your partner out that following weekend with zero holiday bullshit to deal with!

It’s amazing how life changing this whole scenario could be if you’d listen to me.

You changed my life…oh my Gooooooood.

Don’t listen to me though, otherwise your girlfriend will dump you, your wife might fuck your neighbor and your boyfriend is going to cut himself across the chest if you decide to skip this day, so don’t fuck around, go out there and get some God damned candy hearts and roses and pick up some anal lube or you’re going to be in deep shit (or not, wink wink).

So….

Ummmm….

This is the part where I cleverly segue into a discussion about giant vaginas but have no clue how anyone can cleverly do such a thing.

So…..

Unlike men, who cannot wait for the next moment to boast about how big their (usually little) piece is, how come women don't brag about having gigantic vaginas?

Is it not a good thing to have a colossal cooch?

I'm not talking about an "I can fit three dicks in me" vagina; I mean a vagina that can literally engulf a toddler, sucking him back up the way he came like a giant moist vacuum.

A vagina that can hide a beach ball, or shoot out coconuts like some weird cannon.

Is it frowned upon to have a stupendous snatch?

 I’m so touching myself right now.

What has society done to the big pussied woman to force them to go into hiding?

There's no niche porn category for this shit either (not that I've checked), it's like huge vags don't count, like they don't matter at all.

The world has driven all mammoth muffs into some incognito state or reclusive form of living.

I bet there’s an island somewhere in the Pacific where women all over are hiding away from the rest of the world while living ridicule free in a society acceptant of monumental meat curtains.

Skull Island? Also on this island, giant dicks that can fit in them.  

Pornographic movies are reliant upon selling their films with bolded taglines and titles advertising big body parts, BIG COCKS, HUGE TITS, GIANT ASSES, but never, ever; IMMENSE VAGINOSAURS.

They do exist!

Do you want to know why?

Because the amount of money these films would generate is too astronomical for any accountant to manage.

It could potentially crash the computer systems of every bank.

The lucrative nature of these film types would be outrageous.

Money would literally rain from the heavens!

What?

Now that I think about it, now that I’ve sat here, putting the scientific formulas and mathematics together…Do you know what would make Valentine’s Day simply phenomenal?

That’s right, kids….

GIANT VAGINAS.

Fuck yes. I’m so good at problem solving.