Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I'm a murderer, let's play Parcheesi.

Last night, I killed my wife.
I shit you not.
I heard her typing on the computer at around 2 am and the clickety clacking sounds the keys made as she typed away through the night drove me over the edge of sanity, into the fields of insanity, and I fucking lost it and bludgeoned her to death with a Canova lion statue.
I've been cleaning brain meat out of the folds and creases of these intricately crafted pieces of fine art that I purchased back in 99.
And by "purchased" I mean "stole from my job".

The following story is how it all began, so pay attention, or you might miss something important, like how my jaw clicks when I chew sometimes, or my foot snaps as I walk, shit like that.

I got home from work at around 6pm yesterday, oh; did I mention that I have a houseguest?
Let's call him sleepNeat to protect his identity, and that's actually pretty much all he does anyway, so whatever, not my concern in this particular story, but what I should point out is that when I have people over, I tend to go into "loner mode" and head to the loneliest , quietest place in the house, which is usually the shitter, but at this time, it was my bedroom, where I began playing some videogames instead of finally getting around to putting away my luggage from my trip to California, because I'm a lazy cunt.

My wife was at the beach all day I guess, I don't know, but as soon as I tore my clothes off to unwind, she arrives and calls me to come downstairs and get the sleeping kids out of the car.
First of all, I'd like to point out that these little bastards are lazy, when I was a kid it was UNHEARD of for someone to chauffer me around while I slept
Had I been asleep anywhere, at anytime, I was rudely and abruptly awakened by my mothers' yells of "wake up you little shit" or slaps upside the ass to get on my feet and get walking.
What the fuck has happened to the world?
Now we have to carry sleeping kids?
Holy shit.
We've pussied out.
What's next, no more smoking during pregnancy?
No more soda with Cocaine in it?

So anyway, now I have to stop playing videogames and get dressed again, after all the trouble it took me to remove my fine couture, to go pick up these poor, defenseless, sleeping infants from the awful air conditioned car where they sat and slept all the way home from the beach.
I wasn't terribly ecstatic over this.
After that, I come back upstairs to zone out with some games again while the children of royalty continue their naps on my bed, and at this time I have the PC on with some map screens showing for my game that I'm playing.
My wife walks her ass into the bedroom and sits in the computer chair then proceeds to navigate her way around the internet, completely minimizing my fucking game maps.
I mean, shit woman, you have internet on your phone, what the fuck bro?
You're going to come and sit your ass in the seat where my little cat sleeps, have the audacity to interrupt him from his slumber, minimize my motherfucking game maps, and go surfing the web?

That was strike 2 at this point; she's really looking for it.
Had I been born Sean Connery, or had this been California, I'd have been able to dish out an ass whooping, but we're a lot more civil in New York.

So at this point, I'm pacing and racing on the inside, but I'm a very patient and passive kind of guy, so I can let certain things slide, while I maintain my composure on the outside.
Holy shit that kind of rhymed and was totally unintentional, fucking A.

I continue playing my games until I decide it's time to hit the potty, and then shower my fine ass.
I'm on the throne dropping the kids off at the pool, surfing facebook on my phone, when suddenly, the wifi signal craps out and I lose internet access on my phone.
Clearly, she was the culprit, being the only one on, or near the PC at this time, she must have kicked the router plug out of the socket.
God fucking damn it, woman of burden.
This was it.
I knew what had to be done, and there were no other options.
No talking me out of this.
No question, this woman needed to pay for her heinous crimes against man.
I decided that it would be most fitting if I waited for the most advantageous time to strike, and that specific moment would be when she'd go on at night to use the PC before going to bed.
She was fucking toast.
Fucking DEAD.

I went to bed around 1am, and began watching Watchmen.
Great movie, my favorite part is the prison escape scene, and the sex scene right before it.
It's on HBO all the time, you should catch it, it has a great cast, and I haven't seen that much blue cock since that dream I had where I was involved in a gang bang with Smurfette.
Where was I?
So here I am, lying low, pretending to sleep, totally faking my snoring, when 2am strikes.
She's wailing away on the keyboard, looks like the god damned Phantom of the opera, or keyboard cat, just not as cool, and she's driving me fucking bonkers with the sound, so I grab the closest thing to me, the Canova lion statue, which is actually quite a piece of art, here's a picture of it:

I like lions; they're cool fucking animals with big fuzzy nuts who sometimes eat their own kids.

I bet if a lion's kids fell asleep in the car, he wouldn't go downstairs with a carriage to cart them around comfortably as they slept their lazy asses off, he'd fucking eat them, and I bet he'd be excited as all hell because I can guarantee that children are probably fucking delicious.
In fact, notice that you don't ever hear of Cannibals eating kids, because they don't want the secret to get out, the knowledge that children are so god damned delicious to eat.

So as I creep up ever so gingerly from behind my wife, I knew I had to say something clever before I bashed her biscuit shaped head in with this lovely statue.
But shit, what could I say?
If I hit someone with a surf board, I'm guessing it'd be clever to say "surf's up!".
If I hit someone with a lamp, I'd have to yell "lights out!".
If I hit someone with a dildo, well shit, I wouldn't have to say much on that one, now would I?
I mean, shit, that is classic comedy right there.

I quickly reached the point where I knew what to say, because I'm so clever and so god damned cool, I yelled out "Hakuna Matata , bitch!" then swung that lion at her head and her skull dented in like a soda can.
Now Hakuna Matata may not have been the funniest thing to say, but shit on me, it was clever.
In retrospect, I probably should have said "I would tell you I love you, but then I'd be LION!" but we can't all be comic geniuses, now can we?

So, that's it.
I killed my wife.
I'm single again, so ladies, back the fuck up, I'm in mourning, give me a week or so.
My children are now eating marshmallows with steak, Lucky Charms and beans and Spaghetti with cupcakes.
All we do is burp and fart and there aren't any curtains on any of the windows anymore, plus the bathroom smells like doritos now.

This is also the last time I let Satan fix me up on a date.
Jesus was right, he is an asshole.

The end, now fuck off.

8 out of 10 people will appreciate the warmhearted tale I just wrote.
1 out of those 10 people will be really upset upon reading this because they have the sense of humor of a Catholic school nun.
The other 1 remaining will be me sleeping on the sofa with SleepNeat.

I once elbowed an old lady on the subway in the tits by accident.


  1. I would have handled this with a lot less effort on the front end, ie the carrying of sleeping bitches...err, children. Fuck that. I'd have torched the fucking car. And then felt up that bitch on the subway on purpose. Word.

  2. pure comedy great
    but i would have never waited so long as soon as she would have minimized that screen i would have spartan kicked the shit out of her back causing her to fly out the window all while saying and yelling out ..........THIS IS BULLSHIT!

  3. god damn! lmao that was awesome

  4. I can never understand how a person like me isn't on drugs with the things I think of.