Thursday, July 15, 2010

Random blurbs about California and a few generalizations, because I'm a dick.

I spent the majority of last week in the Golden state, California , hanging with a bunch of my pals and had a grand time, so I thought it would be a good idea to drop a couple of my thoughts about that whole situation here.

Unusually, California was colder and cloudier than New York City typically is in March, what the fuck California?

You guys couldn't put on a sunny display, or crank up the heat?
Yeah, fuck you.

Apparently, a 5.4 Earthquake isn't even enough to shake a pencil off of a table.
Way to pussy out California.

"In and Out" burgers are good, but "Five Guys" has the edge, only because I'm confrontational.
Fuck you "In and Out" (I love you).

Del Taco should be renamed "Colon Blow".

In order to be considered a good driver in California, you have to switch lanes frequently and without signaling, you have to tailgate, and drive at least 75 miles per hour, especially while tailgating.

If your name is Bob, please don't drive in this state.
On that note, to prevent horrifying cliff jumping (especially if your name is in fact, Bob), while driving DO NOT do the following:
1. Finagle with your IPod, phone, radio, nipples, penis, etc, every 2 seconds.
2. Talk amongst your buddies until you lose all touch with your surroundings.
3. Ignore the GPS, or blame the GPS for poor driving.
4. Ignore your friends' yells for Jesus.
5. Ignore manufacturers' warnings on car landing impact from 15 feet in the air.

Many of the white people I know don't shower or brush before bed, that's pretty gross and the reason I would not have sex with any of them, even the girls.
While I'm on that note, I’d like to thank similar white people for bringing diseases to America, and the rest of the world.
This would have all been prevented if you all would actually take a shower before bed.
White people who don't shower before bed are directly responsible for the following:
1. Terrorism
2. Diseases
3. Inner City Crime
4. Serial murdering
5. Seinfeld

Californian Mexicans all sound exactly the same, just like Indians everywhere.
How is that possible?
All Indians sound like Apu from the Simpsons and all Mexicans sound like the Taco Bell dog.

A suburban "thug" will quickly back down if you approach one with enough bass in your voice.
They will tighten and close up like a nervous butt hole, even when you're discussing videogames.

My friend beats his woman, I watched it.
She may have deserved it, so this is OK, but still.
Must be a California thing.

People with neck braces are exceptionally surly motherfuckers.
Especially when their throats were cut recently due to surgery.
They will attack at will (See previous paragraph about wife beating).
Keeping them smiling is the best way to keep them from murdering you or any obnoxious guests of their home (i.e.: Not you).
Interestingly enough, they are also superb drivers, regardless of the fact that they cannot see behind themselves.

All mothers love me.
This is pure fact.
All mothers love the shit out of me, sometimes more than their own mean ass cane wielding kids (Hi Mrs. Eaken!).

California smells like air.
It's weird, usually the smell of sweaty people, salami breath and urine is what air smells like to me, but wow, California smells like real air.

I do not think California is better than New York, nor do I think it is worse.
Would I move there?
Sure, why not.
Will I move there?
Probably not, because I'm too poor to afford such a move.

There you go America, California, by Bryan Bronx.

If you disagree with any of the above, it's probably because you fall under the following statistics:
1. You’re from California.
2. You work for "In and Out".
3. Your name is Bob.
4. You’re not me.
5. You’re a racist.

I would also like to state that guys named Handel should not be allowed to drive ANYWHERE, even an uninhabited place like fucking Mars.


  1. Fucking hilarious man.....

  2. ...I only hit her once. And that was because you brushed your knee on her leg and impregnated her with twin children. Fucker. And fuck neck braces.

  3. She had it coming.
    But I am no one's judge.
    You hit her twice though, I was counting.
    So was Jesus.

  4. Dammit, I don't remember the second one, I got ripped off. I only remember the one where the pillow slipped.

  5. There was another one immediately after, Sean Connery.