Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Having Company and Older Brothers (From the Archives of Madness)

Like the previous post, I pulled this from the archives , the place where I wrote a lot of stuff that just fell off the radar, I like to call it the Archives of Madness because it sounds cool, at least to me it does, fuck you.
To be perfectly honest, I'm actually just using this old shit to update the site while I get my lazy ass to think of something new to write, but if I make it sound like I'm doing you a favor, it doesn't make me look so bad.
So here it is, it's something I wrote a few years ago, my wife was preggers at the time, so don't be alarmed and go thinking I'm having another baby, because I sure as shit am not.
I only edited grammatical errors and stuff like that, but it's pretty much a copy/paste.

What's up people?
Just me ranting and raving again, I like to write to get stuff off of my chest, so open your mind with me, and journey into the world of a sociopathic literary maniac like myself.
Anyway, this topic, as you've probably already read on the subject line, is about having guests over, or company as I say it, and big brothers.
Now I too am a big Brother, but I'm exempt from this, but none of you are.
Because I'm cool as hell, and no rules that hinder or subtract from my cool points apply to me.
Anyway, I got a call from my older Brother today, and he's bitching and whining like usual for no apparent reason other than the fact that he's got a vagina.
He begins to tell me how he'll be stopping by my home later tonight to hang out.
Wow, thanks for the heads up! Way to make fucking plans with me dipshit!
For the record, I hate having company.
I don't care who it is, you're not welcome in my house.
Unless I invite you personally, don't fucking come by; I don't want to see you, your kids, no one.
Go away.
All you want to do is come over, make a mess, eat my cookies, and fart on my couch and ask me stupid questions about my cat.
Yes he's a male, yes he's neutered, and no, he won't suck you off.
Stay home please.
Your kids are bad and evil, your breath stinks, and you hang around to the point where I want to call the police to remove you from my home.
Then when it's all done with, there's a huge fucking mess because you're a pig and don't know how to throw away your chicken Mcnugget boxes and sweep up your chicken crumbs.
Leave me alone.

Back on track now, my older brother is a penis head.
So is yours, and if you are an older brother, you're one too.
I'm sorry to break the news to you, but you are.
In fact, everybody hates you.
Your parents hate you, because since you were the first, they fucked up with you, so to rectify that mishap and take another shot at luck, they had a second child, meaning YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH you busted condom you.

If you killed yourself, here's a list of people who would care:

There you go.

If any of your older brothers are Incarcerated/dead/gay I apologize, but you have to relate just a little, right?
Not to say that I don't love my older Brother, but he is a royal cock.
He calls me to whine and bitch, and something about going with him on vacation to Florida.
Wait, Florida?
You and I?
I'd rather go to a funeral.
Then he says maybe my wife would like to go.
I tell him, "hey, dumbass, she's due to give birth soon, and she's breast feeding, do you think she'll leave me her tits to feed the baby with?"
What a doofus.
Then he has the audacity to say that I'm a control freak, and that I keep my wife cooped up all the time.
She goes out plenty.
Like every weekend she goes to Kmart, or the Supermarket.
She's very fortunate as you can see!
Many women would die for those outgoing opportunities.
Then he says that I must beat my wife.
Come on now, I know Karate and a bunch of other stuff, I could kill that chick.
The most I do is shake and shove.
Usually into the wall, because it scares the baby, with all the loud banging and all.
I kill two birds with one stone in a manner of speaking.
Am I being a bastard?
No, she has all the freedom in the world.
She's as free as a bird.
So he hangs up with me, obviously upset that I have actual male parts to pee with, and whines off somewhere at his job.
Often times, he calls me to tell me that I'm a pussy, and that I've never done any wrong in my life because I don't cheat on my wife, sleep around with chicks, or sell drugs.
I'm such a saint!
They should immortalize my image in the form of a statue over St. Patty's Cathedral.
I know chicks as small as my grandmother that sell drugs, how bad can they be?
What an Asshole.

This is every big brother; they call you to annoy you, and to make up for their shortcomings by belittling you like an abusive husband.
Doesn't work on me, it's just obnoxious that he's wasting my daytime minutes.
Anyway, I came up with an idea.
Punch your older brother in the face.
He deserves it.
One, for ruining your parents life, they were on their way to college when they had him/you.
Two, for ruining your life, because they constantly get felt sorry for because they're losers.
And three, because god wants you to, trust me.
If you are the big brother, walk into traffic.
Preferably highway traffic.
I love my big brother, but I would love to see him get drop kicked in the nipples by the Incredible Hulk.
He makes my life worthwhile by being such a sissy.


  1. I have no idea how or why the title font color changed, and it bothers me because it isn't following the uniformity of this site.

  2. Fucking love this post, so does this mean i'm a penis head since i am an older brother? i'm still not the oldest though so i'm confused? lol

  3. Yeah, you kind of are man, re-read this shit, sorry bro.

  4. yeah i guess oh well shit happens right? penis head or not im still glad for the family i have