Tuesday, August 31, 2010

I have to do a number 2 or the following post has way too much information.

Sorry, I know, TMI, fuck you, but No bullshit, I have to take a human shit.
Thing is, I don't crap outside of my home because I need to take a shower after I take the Browns to the Superbowl, and I'm at work right now.
It's OCD, blow me, don't judge me.
I can't even blow my nose unless there's a mirror in front of me where I can enthusiastically investigate my nasal passages for any potential cliffhangers.
I became sort of a hygiene freak during my young adult years for no apparent reason, maybe I thought I stunk or some shit, I don't know, fuck off.

I always have gum on me, or a toothbrush or mouthwash, because bad breath is fucking gross.
I also constantly have to make sure I have nothing gross about my person, no random eye boogers, or crap on or around my mouth or in my teeth.
I'm a little obsessed with being fresh.
So taking a dump and not showering immediately afterwards sends a cold chill of yuckiness down my spine.

I just imagine the lingering odor and dingleberries, ack, it's just fucking making me sick thinking about it and I don't know how people can do it on a regular basis.
Even those wet wipes and wet ones wouldn't suffice to me, has to be a full on bath man, I'm just crazy like that.
I take like 2-3 showers a day, I'm going to end up on 20/20 one day as a really psychotic inmate cleaning his cell with a toothbrush, you'll see.

Funny thing is, I know tons of people who are completely opposite, and it really grosses me out, but I put up with it, because forcing your beliefs and ways on others is essentially a religion, and I'm totally anti-religion.
See how non-conformist I'm being?
Such a fucking bad ass, right?

I just wish people were more self conscious about their breath, many of of my pals do not carry gum on them, and the assholes have their hands out like beggars every fucking time I whip out my pack.
Shit costs a dollar assholes, go buy your fucking own.
Am I really the only person in new York fucking city with access to gum?
What the fucking fuck?

And a big fuck you to those with terrible breath that have the god damned nerve to refuse my gum when it's offered to them.
Look man, I'm cheap, if I offer you something to freshen your breath, it's not because I really want to share with you, it's because your mouth smells like someone used it as a toilet for a few years.
So take the fucking hint, in fact, go brush your fucking mouth, toilet face.
Your breath smells like Chinatown.

Ok, I can clearly see I'm venting here, and I don't want to run down a list of bad hygienic traits from people, because I can do this shit all week people.
So yeah, I still have to take a shit.
Heaven help me, my muscles are pulling some over time.


  1. one day we are going to ask the doctors why you died and they're going to say some scientific BS that none of us will understand and then with the stupid looks on our face he will tell us in plain old english that you held your shit too long, your intestines exploded and traveled through your body poising you until you died. how will you feel then when your kids have to go through life without a father because you couldn't man up and take a shit? hey im saying this because i love you! take a fucking shit!

  2. Hahahaha, you're a butthole bro.
    Listen, coming from a guy who shits like 26 times a day, I think I'll take my chances.
    You and your brothers take that freedom to the next level, you guys would shit during a shootout.

  3. hey if i have to go i'll go. The way i see it is that im working hard painting getting dirty and i stink! so i go home to take a awesome shower! so why not just take a shit after lunch or after breakfast if you have too? you know im a clean freak, i have a little ocd too but yours is like obsession! im calling that tv program on A&E so we can do some intervention of some sort. let that ass be free!