Friday, May 27, 2011

Bryan Bronx's Supremely Awesome and Extreme Guide to Understanding Women.

From what I understand, (which is everything ) most guys these days are having a difficult time maintaining relationships or keeping their women happy, or not, I make up random facts sometimes to make myself seem smarter in comparison to others, don't fucking judge me.

Now, I'm not talking about in the bedroom, that's another issue you may have to work on, which could require hours of practice.
I recommend leather or latex and a wild imagination, but that's another story altogether, so fuck off.
I'm talking about understanding your woman, through and through.

See, women like to communicate with men using a series of signals with their body language and very few words, it's sort of a code speak, so to say.
Like during World War II, when the Navajo Native Americans were used to send messages to other areas of the military in order to set up some awesome fucking kills and to tell jokes White people couldn't get, about White people, it's the same thing with women, only difference being; your woman doesn't have a bad ass nickname like "Runs With Fire", well, she probably does, but for an entirely different reason, besides, there's only so many ways you can say "Fucking Slut Bag" in Navajo.

This doesn't make you native either, but makes a great bull’s-eye for skeet.

So your best pal, me (I only love you when you're dirty) has decided to scrape together my vast knowledge on everything "women" and share it with you so that you can stop fucking up your relationship.
Your girlfriend/wife is tired of your bullshit, man and you need to fucking recognize what you're doing wrong.
Don't believe me?
Ask her, she's lying right here, call me.

My guide will fully prepare you and get you on track with understanding the hidden meanings of shit women say but REALLY mean, you'll be reading between the lines like a fucking pro.

Trust me, there are two things I don't do: lie and steer people wrong, unless I'm giving directions to tourists, then I do both, but that's kind of funny anyway, right?

This movie was made in honor of my misguiding tourists antics.

So I'll focus on four easy scenarios that you may have encountered in the past, but sadly, without my tutelage, so you completely dropped the fucking ball there.
I'll start each topic with what you see as the scenario, then I'll follow it up with the actual translation of the event with the fucking TRUTH, or what you should see, but don’t, because you’re clueless.

I. Your woman asks you to do something immediately.

Here's the scenario.
You're sitting down on the couch in your underwear, playing Call of Duty, shoving chips into your face when your lady asks if you could throw out the garbage.

At this point, you're probably thinking to yourself; "God, she's such a nagging bitch" as you tell her that you'll do it as soon as you get to a save spot in the game while she gives you an icy look like she wants to fire laser beams through your chest cavity.

Here's what she REALLY means with what she asked of you using her body language to interpret, (i.e., the icy stare):
"Honey, when you're done being lazy and completely useless, but still staying sexy after gaining 200 pounds, would you mind throwing out the garbage please?
No rush, take your time; I know you're involved in something important and I'm just being a bitch.
I'll be cleaning the bathroom floor on my bare knees with a piece of steel wool in the meantime, have fun baby!!
Oh, and would you mind if I dressed like a secretary tonight?"

Since you didn't do the dishes either, come here big boy….

So you see, what you initially thought, was complete bullshit, you were being foolish.
You assumed she was nagging and bitching and commanding you around, when in fact, her motives were the complete opposite!
That "icy" stare you perceived as being harsh was actually her undressing you with her eyes.
You just got eye raped, my man!
This woman wants and has nothing but the best of intentions here.
Congratulations, you've just made it though part one of my tutorial and your relationship will only get better after a few more tender moments like this.
Let's continue.

II. Your woman would like for you to do more around the house.

Here's the scenario.
You go to work, come home, repeat. Everyday.
She says you don't do shit at home.
You don't do the laundry or wash the dishes or walk the dog, or hose down the kids and pets, whatever, she's got a list of shit you do not do and a face full of scowl to prove it.

You're thinking to yourself; "I work so hard all day, why do I have to come home and clean!?
She just does nothing but bitch and chew me out!
I wish she'd stop fucking making that stupid fucking face, she looks like Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid".

Pick this fucking place up or I'll make you break car windows.

Here's what she REALLY means with what she asked of you and her furious looking face:
"Welcome home, sweetie, I made your favorite dish, because I know you worked so hard at the office playing fantasy football all day and watching youtube videos.
When I say I want you to do more around the house, I just mean that I wish you'd be home more, maybe call out sick or take a small vacation so you can lie around all day and do nothing while I pick up the slack”

Do you see how far off you were with your assumptions?
Never assume, it’s the mother of all fuck ups.
I heard that in a Steven Seagal movie.

This guy has more wisdom than your alcoholic grandfather.

III. Your woman appears to be visibly upset about something.

We all know, when women are upset, they do not have the ability and/or capacity to express these feelings verbally because they fear that as soon as they begin talking, we will drift off into day dreams where we’re imagining that we’ve become deaf.
This is not true, we love hearing why you women are upset, in all honesty, I swear to God.
So with this in mind, they sit there, quietly, until they fall asleep and forget about it the next day.
They always forget.
One great thing about the fairer sex is that women never hold grudges, they’re pretty cool about getting over shit rather quickly and letting the past be the past in order to move on to a better tomorrow.

Your job in this situation is to ask her “what’s troubling you/why are you mad/upset/cutting your wrists?”
Women love being asked those questions, especially when they are asked as often and consistent as possible.
So follow one up after the other in great succession:
Are you mad?
Why are you upset?
What’s bugging you?
Why are you so angry?
What happened?
What did you do?
Why are you so quiet?
You mad?
You mad, brah?

Keep it going, they will take your constant questioning as a high interest in their feelings and thoughts and will eventually crack, then they’ll let you know what’s going on.
You’ll most likely all have a good laugh about it, it’s probably nothing.

HAHAHA, Breast Cancer?

IV. Your woman says she is not in the mood.

Know this, my befuddled friend, women are the men of females, they are always fucking horny.
Saying they are not in the mood is their way of telling you they want to be rammed like a metal door by the SWAT team at a crack house in the projects.
They just don’t want to seem easy or whorish because it isn’t lady like, so they act coy and it's all a ruse.

Here’s what you do, my simple homeboy.
She says she isn’t in the mood?
Fuck that.
You simply do the most logical thing to start this fire in her sugar walls, a woman’s favorite action performed by a man, the one thing guaranteed to work every time, proven throughout the ages with a zero failure rate; you place your bare penis on her shoulder or slap her on the cheek with it, lie it across her forehead, rub it on her lips, etc.
If ever there was a piece of advice you would consider taking from your amigo Bryan Bronx, this is it.
Women love nothing more than to be attacked by a man’s penis, because for them, it’s the equivalent of shaking hands with a celebrity, but with your dick.
Trust me.

Overcompensating? Maybe, but you get the idea.

I can’t count how many times women have thanked me after sex because I began it like so.
The number of times is astronomical.
It’s like the doorbell of intercourse.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
This dick, baby.
You’ll be scoring so fucking often.

In closing, I want you to promise me that you won’t share this information with those that may abuse the privilege of knowing the God’s honest truth about women.
If anyone found out, they may change the game up and make me look like an asshole, then I’d have to write you a really angry letter.
Remember, this guy here loves you, that’s why I’m always going to be around to tell it like it is so no one steers you wrong, especially people with vaginas and tits.

1 comment:

  1. I'm following your guide to the Tee! and what do i get! pure awesomeness! it works perfectly as a matter of fact i think this is my new bible!