Friday, June 25, 2010

Attention significant others, we men all have super husband powers.

I am speaking on behalf of men in relationships, because we all share the same powers.

Keep in mind, this is all men, and all wives, not just me and mine, so get off my ass.

First, let it be known that I'm a mind reader.
If you're upset, or want me to do something a certain way, no need to express yourself or your feelings at all, I can just get the necessary information by prying ever so gently into your complex mind and getting that info for myself.
I always automatically know what's bothering you and what it will take to fix it, don't say a word.
You wanted the kitchen cleaned and painted blue, not white?
Shit broad, I already knew that, and it's done!
You wanted me to season the meat with Italian herbs instead of Spanish spices? 
I've known that since this morning.
Don't tell your sister that everyone thinks she's a whore?
Of course I wouldn't, because I am two steps ahead of you on that.

Second, I have super strength.
Don't worry about me holding this 200 pound, old as shit television set in my arms while you rearrange the TV stand, I can hold this all day long, no prob.
Don't rush while opening that door as I hold these grocery bags filled with gallons of milk; soda and cat litter, just take your time finding your keys in your massive purse.
That couch with the sofa bed in it is as light as a feather, I'll hold it while you sweep beneath it, take extra care to slowly wipe up any extra dirty spots with a sponge, I'll be here holding this until you're ready to allow me to drop it.

Third, I know every answer to every question you'll ever ask.
I'm so smart that there isn't a method of calculating my intelligence level; my IQ is clearly beyond measure.
I know all about auto mechanics and makeup and home repair and your schoolwork and problems.
Most of the time I don't tell you the answers because I don't want to make you feel bad or inferior, or don't want to show off.
However, when confronted during stressful situations, this power becomes weakened and even negated at times.
Stress is it's Kryptonite, which is why when you yell at us to find out why we broke your favorite cup with our super strength, or why we spent all weekend playing video games instead of doing chores,  we will automatically yell out the first thing to come to mind, which will most likely be a lie.
This is also why we never know what to eat when you call us at work and ask us what to make for dinner.
It just doesn't work like that.
This power also goes haywire during sex.
Heightened blood flow to our lower body regions makes this power go crazy, and we'll either answer things incorrectly or falsely.
Keep that in mind.

Fourth, I have an ability that allows me to create an unlimited amount of money.
Don't worry about any prices, go crazy, book trips like a mad man, buy useless knick knacks for the house, buy whatever the hell you want; I just yell the magic words "fuckmycreditscore" and POOF, instant cash.
I do work for a living, and I do get a steady paycheck, but that's just for laundering purposes.
Besides, I get paid in large gold bars anyway.
Go nuts.

Lastly, I am the greatest fighter in the universe.
No one alive can beat me in a fight.
So go on and provoke that insanely large black gentleman for talking during the movie, or that car full of men that look like the Incredible Hulk that just cut you off in traffic, tell that guy with the handgun in his belt that he's an asshole for taking up two parking spaces.
That guy that just karate chopped the Cadillac in half, total pussy.
Should they have a problem, I will wipe the floor with them up and down this god damned place.
Give them a piece of your mind; let them know how you honestly feel about them because I'm always ready and able to kick someone’s ass.

Keep these powers a secret, if they fall into the wrong hands, we could be easily manipulated by some rotten bitch out to give us shit and cause lots of pain and misery.

I love you.


  1. fucking love it! this is the best advice i will use this

  2. I really Agree and i knew i had some of those powers but now i realize we share most of those same powers lets team UP

  3. An important point to add: in addition to all of the above, men are also intimately trained and practiced in the art of making small talk. When just waking up in the morning, or just having commuted to work, or especially when stressing about something else (or holding the TV), ALL MEN ABSOLUTELY WANT TO TALK ABOUT: the weather, why you hate this bra, what is wrong with the girl across the street that made you want to complain about her to us, and what we think about the color of the walls you just painted without asking what color we wanted to begin with. And it doesn't annoy us whatsoever.

  4. I believe the power Ish is referring to is our mighty ability to "give a shit", which most of us exceed at using.
    No really, we do.