Friday, March 11, 2011

Life From A Feline Point Of View (or Cats Are Assholes).

Although this post is about cats, I am not technically Caucasian, so me writing about cats in any way, shape or form does not make me white or lame, so fuck your mother.

I get a free pass because I kick ass.

I was bored and in the tedium of my day I imagined myself as a cat and thought of all these highly imaginative feline scenarios and situations that the little fuckers get into which you're about to read.

For the most part, my goal is to point out how cats, though cute, are gigantic assholes.

So in my genius thought process, as my cat was being a complete cunt,  I said to myself: "Godly Adonis, what do you think this cat is saying while he is performing this stupid act of cat-ness?”

With that, I began to think of everything that follows.
My mind is light years beyond most humans, so bear with me.

For this piece, I think it's best if I toss myself into the role of a cat, method act, if you will, as a cat, because I've never been a cat before, but I have been a Superhero as well as a brown paper bag-guy like this kid, poor guy:

Kill me.

So at the end of this sentence, the method acting will begin and I will be in the role of a cat, minus the ball licking, because that's how I fucking get down when I go about getting down with acting.


Hi, I'm a cat, I don't give a flying fuck if you're wearing new black pants, I feel like fucking rubbing against your legs, back and forth, 735 times. Regardless of how badly I'm shedding, fuck your face.

Oh was that your bowl of cereal on the table?
Fuck you, I jumped up and took a few swigs of your milk, asshole.
Shouldn't have left it sitting there.

I know its 4 am, but I don't give a shit, I feel like flopping around and running laps around your living room with my feet that make me sound like a fucking small horse.

Feel free to walk by me as I lie down here in the hallway, it's totally safe, nothing's going on.
HAHA, I fucking lied, it's not at all safe and I took a swipe at your ankles!!
You fool!!

I totally missed the litter box and shit on the floor, you might want to pick that up when you get a chance, I'm busy not giving a good God damn.

Are you pooping?
Oh my God, I want to come into the bathroom with you to smell it while you pet me.

I know you don't like me in the bed, but I'm in it, tough titties, deal with it, faggot.

I ate my entire bowl of food, give me some more or I'm knocking over the fucking water.

Shove that laser pen up your ass, I was sleeping.

HOLY SHIT! Shoelaces! I'm going to eat the aglets off so that you can never adjust the laces again.

I happen to enjoy the beach, thank you very much, which is why I kicked litter all over the God damned bathroom floor.

My anal gland is secreting, it smells like a thousand hobo farts mixed with their dick cheese but I'm going to take a nap on your new sweater.
I'm also shedding and just finished kicking my shit around in the litter box.
If you're not busy, go fuck yourself.

Hope you're not allergic, there's dander EVERY FUCKING WHERE.
Mostly from my balls.

Speaking of my balls, if you see me licking them, fuck off or lend a hand.


As you can clearly see from my immersion in the role, cats hate our fucking guts, yet we love the ever loving shit out of them, even though they treat us like abusive spouses.
If your wife or husband did any of this shit above, you'd hit them with brass knuckles on, admit it.
Right in the teeth.
Use these:

Be sure to get a manicure first.

I have a cat; I don't normally act as a cat in my spare time, although I did such a tremendous job above.
I also get attacked every night for no apparent fucking reason at all other than minding my own business, which I can only assume is a crime in the world of cats, because they see fit to attack me as I pass by which is the cat equivalent of mugging AND I’m FROM NEW FUCKING YORK where I haven't even been mugged (yet).
What this means is, if cats were 6 feet tall and had opposable thumbs, they'd take our wallets, kick our asses, fuck our wives and rape us at least four times a week, which is unacceptable behavior for anyone who isn't a maintenance man. (Inside jokes!!).

My idea is this; let's get the drop on these little bastards.
They think that they can run our fucking lives like they're some big shit in prison.
This isn't prison, it's the real motherfucking world and I'm not going to be anyone's bitch, especially someone with three rows of nipples,
That's six god damn tits!

Boner yet?

Follow these steps to fuck their shit up proper:
First, pretend you're asleep, when your cat jumps on the bed, immediately jump up and scream as loud as you can and scare the balls off of it.
If done correctly, he will have shit his fur, and he should look like this:

GAHH! Your dick is smaller than mine.

Props if you manage to somehow get his ear torn off like the cat in this picture, you badass son of a bitch, you.

Second, get a bag of chips.
Anytime you see your cat sleeping, grab the full bag of chips, squeeze it in a way that all the air gets trapped on the opposite end from where you're squeezing.
Hold it tight, and slam on the other end with your open hand, making it pop loudly, sending chips flying everywhere.
This will ruin his nap and will make you feel like a better person in the process.
If he looks like this after you pop the bag….:

This thing isn't going to suck itself, buddy.

….then you probably got him excited by popping the bag too close to his balls, try again, we're not offering rewards here for shitty behavior, you fucking failure.

Who's a schweepy Kitty kitty?? POW!

AWWWW,…..Guess who's in for a surprise?

Lastly, shave off his whiskers.
Contrary to popular belief, cats actually hate their whiskers and would love nothing more than for you to remove them of this burden.
For one, it makes them look stupid.
If you had facial hair like that, you'd kill to have it removed because you'd look stupid too.
Whiskers also have a habit of getting wet when they drink out of the toilet bowl, they hate that too.
Plus, they prick your balls as you lick them and make them itchy and who enjoys that?
So be a pal, shave their whiskers, they'll bang and crash around against the walls in glee!

I say old bean, I have no whiskers and I'm doing bloody fine! Care for some Monopoly?

I'm only giving you this information because I love you, I really do, if I didn't, I'd leave you to your own stupid devices, which would entail you getting your shit bossed around by stupid asshole fucking cats.
Also, my readers are going to get free cat mugs, just go into any department store and pick them up, on me, they look like this:

This Mug + YOU= Coolest guy ever.

Of course you already know, you're welcome.


  1. Cat: Oh, it's dark out! And I'm a dark cat!

    Cat: I want to show you this. (Dead bird, guts strewn everywhere.)

    Cat: I found a new spot today. Right under your car tire. Fuck yeah.

  2. One time my cat brought a LIVE FUCKING MOUSE into my bed around 5 am, fucking disgusting, that shit started running around and we all just jumped up and out and killed it. What an asshole.

  3. This was hilarious man! I enjoyed it! It reminds me of the George Carlin bit on cats.

  4. Thanks dude, much appreciated.

  5. Should have been Method Cating

  6. YOU KNOW THE WORD AGLET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I will swipe your ankles for that.
    Also, give me that mug now, or death.

    <3 hearts!

  7. I also know that the little white thing you smack around in Badminton is called a bird. Useless knowledge +10.

  8. You forgot "Watching TV? No, now you are watching my asshole. LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE."

    "Eating? Mind if I LICK MY ASSHOLE while you eat? Fuck your appetite, listen to me slurping my asshole!"

    "I'm going to practice vomiting all over the bed & everything you love while you are at work."


    "I have to vomit! I have to get onto some carpet or upholstery STAT!! I refuse to vomit on linoleum."

    "I want you to pet me. I refuse to move 3 inches closer, but I want you to pet me."

    Then there's the magic art of "accidentally" getting a claw stuck in your skin. Instead of trusting you to remove it carefully, they panic & rip off as much skin as they possibly can. I actually have a pretty long list somewhere of reasons I should probably kill my cats someday if you want it ^_^

  9. HAHAHA, don't kill them, yet, let's make them suffer first, I'm in the process of creating this giant cannon that you load up with cats and has enough force to fire them at least 1000 yards.
    What my idea is, is to make two of these cannons, then somehow rig them to fire the cats into the other cannon, continuously, for an endless air juggle.
    Fuck those felines!